Finally

I finally got around to starting my new blog! I most likely won't be checking this one very much any more although I will try to check up now and then in case there are new comments or questions, but I'll probably answer them on the new blog.

See you on the flipside...

http://nixieonthenet.blogspot.com/

New step

I've had this blog for around a year and a half now. I started it because, besides Master, I had absolutely no one I could confide in about my new found kink; I was so very happy to be in this relationship with Master and to be getting collared by Him. I had to share the news with someone and an anonymous blog seemed the best option. After that it became a place to share to my stories that would be inappropriate for vanilla conversations, to express my thoughts on various topics within BDSM, to seek advice and all that other stuff.

I have really enjoyed having this blog, I have been so touched by all the support I've got for it too. It continually amazes me how many people want to read my thoughts, leave comments, ask questions. To everyone who has been a part of this blog, in whatever small way, I owe you such a big thanks. I love reading your feedback and hearing your stories - I think it's my favourite part of blogging.

But lately I've been finding it very hard to keep up with my regular posting and I think it's because I haven't had that same void in my life that this blog was filling. I can talk to people about M/s relationships, I can seek advice from friends, I can share stories and philosophise with all the people I've met since joining the local scene. I no longer feel the desperate need to talk about BDSM online because I'm no longer being deprived of it in my day to day conversation.

This blog has always been about BDSM, in its various forms, without much detail given to the rest of my life. So, I think I'd like to change that. Although I still keep my slave nature a secret from most of the people in my life (family, vanilla friends, work mates, class mates, and so on) my life is not nearly so rigidly divided between kink and vanilla. There is some overlap now and I relish that and I want my blog to reflect that.

So, I'm going to start a new blog. One which is not strictly BDSM, but includes the other aspects of my life as well, one which includes all of me. I'll keep the two linked to one another so it's easy to back track, but this feels like a markedly new and different approach to things so I want to start afresh.

Where can I find a willing slave in Chicago?

I'm not from Chicago, myself, so I'm not sure what the local events and so forth are over there. The best advice I can give you is to join a site like FetLife and find out about your local munches and parties as that is the best way to meet people in your local area.

If you're specifically looking for a partner then you can also try sites like CollarMe, Bondage.com and Alt.com. These sites are just like vanilla dating sites but they are focused specifically on the kink community.

A word of warning though, don't just send the same generic message to everyone in your area with the word "sub" on their profile. It very rarely produces good results.

Mainstream Masochism

There are plenty of activities we put ourselves through in our everyday lives which could seem, to an outsider, to be pretty weird. Unnecessarily painful and torturous - especially since they are voluntary activities. I'm thinking things like waxing, laser hair removal (most forms of hair removal, in fact), tattoos, piercing, wearing high heeled shoes, gym sessions and exercise regimes, wearing clothes that are totally wrong for the weather, fake tanning (or even real tanning), smoking, drinking ... the list goes on.

We do such ridiculous things to our bodies - often purposely damaging them beyond repair and for such weird reasons too. It makes me wonder if masochism is really such a strange thing after all or if it's just that we in the kink world have a different way of pandering to our masochistic tendencies. Or we've learnt to accept that slightly odd part of ourselves a little more.

This thought occurred to me the other day when I noticed just how much I was enjoying my waxing - an activity which is considered very normal and vanilla and, at the same time, insanely painful. I'm not sure if I liked it because that particular kind of pain was just what I had been craving at the time or if I liked it because of the wonderful clean feeling you can really only get by ripping out unsightly hair by the roots or for some other reason that hasn't occurred to me yet.

Whatever it was, I enjoyed it and I enjoyed the irony of how so much of our play is less painful than that, yet so much more deviant.

I wish I could tell...

I often wish I could be more open about my life with Master and my involvement in the kink scene. It's become such a big, important part of my life and who I am that I sometimes feel like living this double life may eventually tear me apart.
I often see discussions on blogs and on FetLife about how open people are in their vanilla life about their kink life. There are two kinds of response that always seem to get under my guard; one is "I don't tell anyone anything because my sex life is none of their business," and the other is "I tell everyone everything. All my friends and family know and if they can't accept me then that's their problem, not mine."

Response number one is perfectly understandable when your kink is only in the bedroom and so I don't bear any grudges to the people who write it, but it hits home with me to read it because it's not nearly that simple for me. I have to hide the nature of my relationship with Master, I have to lie about where I go when I'm going to kink parties, I have to lie about how I met people or just not mention - and, fuck, it takes a lot of energy!

The second response I actually find quite painful to read because I want so much to be able to tell everyone and I can't. I know plenty of my family who would simply not be able to understand or accept this part of me, and my plan's for a career require a lot of discretion. So being totally open and letting people decide for themselves whether they can accept me is not really an option.

There was a discussion on this topic recently and one of the posters said, very aptly, "Its not such a nice feeling when you realize the things you hide are the things that mean the most to you." That rang so true with me, that deep sadness you feel when you discover so something so wonderful, something that feels like a perfect puzzle piece in working out who you are, and then you realise you have to keep it a secret from the people who mean most to you.

Tiny and cute

This seems to be the description I'm given most often by people in the scene. I like it, I like being seen as everyone's little pet, being adorable rather than sultry and the persona that goes with the description is one I enjoy and seems to suit me.

The funny thing is that it's so different from who I've always been. I've always been the sensible one, the practical one, the mature one - I've never been the cute, frivolous, centre of attention, bouncing off the walls one. I think I might be changing a bit; until recently people have always mistaken me for being around 4 or 5 years older than I really am, now people assume I'm younger.

I was always a very grown up child and always very ready to take on responsibility, be the mature one in any situation. I'm used to being treated as an adult and have been since I was about 12. So it still takes some getting used to when I'm treated so diminutively - and so often too.

Can't seem to write anymore

I don't know why it is exactly, but I've been really struggling to do my blogging lately. I try to write posts and then I just get stuck part way through, I don't feel I have anything worthwhile to say and so I've just not been saying anything.

Ordinarily, I suppose, what would happen here is that I'd just stop writing and the blog would get lost in the mists of cyberspace. The trouble with that is that I've recently been given a rule; until I'm working full time (or close to full time) again I have to write at least 2 blog posts a week.

So, I guess I'll be updating a bit more often from now on. Going to have to think of things to say...