Confessions of a willing slave

Finally

2011-08-03T23:35:00.002+09:30

I finally got around to starting my new blog! I most likely won't be checking this one very much any more although I will try to check up now and then in case there are new comments or questions, but I'll probably answer them on the new blog.

See you on the flipside...

http://nixieonthenet.blogspot.com/

New step

2011-07-11T12:15:00.005+09:30

I've had this blog for around a year and a half now. I started it because, besides Master, I had absolutely no one I could confide in about my new found kink; I was so very happy to be in this relationship with Master and to be getting collared by Him. I had to share the news with someone and an anonymous blog seemed the best option. After that it became a place to share to my stories that would be inappropriate for vanilla conversations, to express my thoughts on various topics within BDSM, to seek advice and all that other stuff.

I have really enjoyed having this blog, I have been so touched by all the support I've got for it too. It continually amazes me how many people want to read my thoughts, leave comments, ask questions. To everyone who has been a part of this blog, in whatever small way, I owe you such a big thanks. I love reading your feedback and hearing your stories - I think it's my favourite part of blogging.

But lately I've been finding it very hard to keep up with my regular posting and I think it's because I haven't had that same void in my life that this blog was filling. I can talk to people about M/s relationships, I can seek advice from friends, I can share stories and philosophise with all the people I've met since joining the local scene. I no longer feel the desperate need to talk about BDSM online because I'm no longer being deprived of it in my day to day conversation.

This blog has always been about BDSM, in its various forms, without much detail given to the rest of my life. So, I think I'd like to change that. Although I still keep my slave nature a secret from most of the people in my life (family, vanilla friends, work mates, class mates, and so on) my life is not nearly so rigidly divided between kink and vanilla. There is some overlap now and I relish that and I want my blog to reflect that.

So, I'm going to start a new blog. One which is not strictly BDSM, but includes the other aspects of my life as well, one which includes all of me. I'll keep the two linked to one another so it's easy to back track, but this feels like a markedly new and different approach to things so I want to start afresh.

Where can I find a willing slave in Chicago?

2011-07-02T12:14:00.002+09:30

I'm not from Chicago, myself, so I'm not sure what the local events and so forth are over there. The best advice I can give you is to join a site like FetLife and find out about your local munches and parties as that is the best way to meet people in your local area.

If you're specifically looking for a partner then you can also try sites like CollarMe, Bondage.com and Alt.com. These sites are just like vanilla dating sites but they are focused specifically on the kink community.

A word of warning though, don't just send the same generic message to everyone in your area with the word "sub" on their profile. It very rarely produces good results.

Mainstream Masochism

2011-06-24T21:07:00.000+09:30

There are plenty of activities we put ourselves through in our everyday lives which could seem, to an outsider, to be pretty weird. Unnecessarily painful and torturous - especially since they are voluntary activities. I'm thinking things like waxing, laser hair removal (most forms of hair removal, in fact), tattoos, piercing, wearing high heeled shoes, gym sessions and exercise regimes, wearing clothes that are totally wrong for the weather, fake tanning (or even real tanning), smoking, drinking ... the list goes on.

We do such ridiculous things to our bodies - often purposely damaging them beyond repair and for such weird reasons too. It makes me wonder if masochism is really such a strange thing after all or if it's just that we in the kink world have a different way of pandering to our masochistic tendencies. Or we've learnt to accept that slightly odd part of ourselves a little more.

This thought occurred to me the other day when I noticed just how much I was enjoying my waxing - an activity which is considered very normal and vanilla and, at the same time, insanely painful. I'm not sure if I liked it because that particular kind of pain was just what I had been craving at the time or if I liked it because of the wonderful clean feeling you can really only get by ripping out unsightly hair by the roots or for some other reason that hasn't occurred to me yet.

Whatever it was, I enjoyed it and I enjoyed the irony of how so much of our play is less painful than that, yet so much more deviant.

I wish I could tell...

2011-06-22T00:15:00.001+09:30

I often wish I could be more open about my life with Master and my involvement in the kink scene. It's become such a big, important part of my life and who I am that I sometimes feel like living this double life may eventually tear me apart.
I often see discussions on blogs and on FetLife about how open people are in their vanilla life about their kink life. There are two kinds of response that always seem to get under my guard; one is "I don't tell anyone anything because my sex life is none of their business," and the other is "I tell everyone everything. All my friends and family know and if they can't accept me then that's their problem, not mine."

Response number one is perfectly understandable when your kink is only in the bedroom and so I don't bear any grudges to the people who write it, but it hits home with me to read it because it's not nearly that simple for me. I have to hide the nature of my relationship with Master, I have to lie about where I go when I'm going to kink parties, I have to lie about how I met people or just not mention - and, fuck, it takes a lot of energy!

The second response I actually find quite painful to read because I want so much to be able to tell everyone and I can't. I know plenty of my family who would simply not be able to understand or accept this part of me, and my plan's for a career require a lot of discretion. So being totally open and letting people decide for themselves whether they can accept me is not really an option.

There was a discussion on this topic recently and one of the posters said, very aptly, "Its not such a nice feeling when you realize the things you hide are the things that mean the most to you." That rang so true with me, that deep sadness you feel when you discover so something so wonderful, something that feels like a perfect puzzle piece in working out who you are, and then you realise you have to keep it a secret from the people who mean most to you.

Tiny and cute

2011-06-17T13:17:00.003+09:30

This seems to be the description I'm given most often by people in the scene. I like it, I like being seen as everyone's little pet, being adorable rather than sultry and the persona that goes with the description is one I enjoy and seems to suit me.

The funny thing is that it's so different from who I've always been. I've always been the sensible one, the practical one, the mature one - I've never been the cute, frivolous, centre of attention, bouncing off the walls one. I think I might be changing a bit; until recently people have always mistaken me for being around 4 or 5 years older than I really am, now people assume I'm younger.

I was always a very grown up child and always very ready to take on responsibility, be the mature one in any situation. I'm used to being treated as an adult and have been since I was about 12. So it still takes some getting used to when I'm treated so diminutively - and so often too.

Can't seem to write anymore

2011-06-17T00:35:00.003+09:30

I don't know why it is exactly, but I've been really struggling to do my blogging lately. I try to write posts and then I just get stuck part way through, I don't feel I have anything worthwhile to say and so I've just not been saying anything.

Ordinarily, I suppose, what would happen here is that I'd just stop writing and the blog would get lost in the mists of cyberspace. The trouble with that is that I've recently been given a rule; until I'm working full time (or close to full time) again I have to write at least 2 blog posts a week.

So, I guess I'll be updating a bit more often from now on. Going to have to think of things to say...

Questions from the formspring

2011-05-16T14:59:00.003+09:30

Are you submissive outside of your service to Master, and is Master dominating outside his control of you?

I'm not overtly submissive outside of my service, but I think I'd say that I'm naturally a fairly submissive person. So while I may not kneel at people's feet in my vanilla life, I do tend to prefer not to be in a position of authority and look to others for guidance.

I see a lot of my submissiveness as politeness, I don't interrupt people or grab at attention, I make sure to say 'Please', 'Thank you', 'Excuse me' and so on where ever appropriate and always try to consider others' feelings when choosing my words or actions. It's all the stuff a good sub should do, but, personally, I think it's all the stuff that everyone should do because it's just common courtesy. I think the world would be much friendlier place if we lived by those guidelines more.

Having said that, I'm not totally submissive. Miss has told me that when people talk to Her after having met me they have one of two reactions, depending on what headspace I was in at the time. Some people say how lucky I am to have Master looking after me because I'm too much of a sweet little sub to look after myself while others say "Wait... she's a sub?"

The people who are surprised that I'm a sub tend to be the people who have talked to me about a subject I'm very passionate about and have therefore seen me in Debate Mode in which all submissiveness goes out the window. I'm never disrespectful, I just get very into discussions and can be quite forthright in my opinions. There was one occasion where Master see a discussion was pricking my interest and I was about to make a rather long contribution to it when He said "No talking, slave." and it was one of the most frustrating orders I've ever had to follow! It was also a source of great amusement to the rest of the group and a story Master likes to bring up for a quick laugh now and then.

Master works as a manager and has to coordinate a team of people working under Him. From what I can see of the situation, He looks after the people at His work in much the same way He looks after me - He is firm but fair, will help people out if they need it, listens to people when they explain why they can't come in to work or why they're somewhat distracted - He's still the boss, and I'd say He's respected more by His team because He will take into consideration things like sickness, troubles at home and so on. He tries to be understanding and approachable while still making sure everything gets done. These are qualities which I say make Him a very good Dom as well as a good boss.

I can't comment on what Master was like before I met Him, but I will reiterate what someone else has said. Not long ago I was talking to a mutual friend of ours who has known Master for years and years and he told me what a noticeable change there was in Him since we'd been going out. Apparently Master is now much more assertive, determined and consistent in His day to day life. Essentially, He has become more like a Dom in His vanilla life.

Do you think someone can be a slave or a Master and still single? Does the state of being come from you, or from your relationship with Master?

Well, Master is very much of the opinion that He would not be a Master if He didn't own a slave and I suppose you could hold that view for both; in order to be a Master one must own a slave and in order to be a slave one must be owned. But I think there is a certain amount of being a Master or a slave which you are just naturally suited to and has nothing to do with your relationship status.

I see that difference between a sub and a slave or a Dom and a Master is your ability and/or need to be in an M/s relationship. If I were single I would probably still refer to myself as a slave because it tells people that I crave that level of total submission from a relationship. Equally, I think Master would still be a Master if He were single because He is able to accept the responsibilities of an M/s relationship.

what does miss use you for

Miss uses me for play. Our relationship is not a sexual one or a service oriented one.

Cunt

2011-05-06T21:13:00.000+09:30

It's interesting the power we give to some words - because, really, the only power words have is the power we give them - and how something that can be commonplace for one person may be totally offensive to someone else. A great example of this would be that tragic campaign a few years ago by Tourism Australia asking the rest of the world "Where the bloody hell are you?"

I can see why people were offended, but I also think it was a tad precious of them given that the overall tone of the ad was so light-hearted. But then again, I'm an Australian and we seriously do use language like that all the time, so maybe I'm biased.

But anyway, the word I really wanted to talk about here today is 'cunt'. Specifically, why is it considered to be so offensive? If you are the sort of person who is offended by all swear words, then it follows to find the word ‘cunt’ offensive too. But what I don’t understand is people who will happily drop swear words all throughout their conversations and yet consider ‘cunt’ to be unmentionable.

It tends to be women who find it the most offensive. But, personally, I find it more offensive that the words for a women’s genitalia are considered so unmentionable, worse, even, that the dreaded “F word”, and yet the words ‘dick’ or ‘cock’ are used so often we barely consider them swear words anymore.

I have a few thoughts on why ‘cunt’ is the worst of the worst. One is that we, as a society, are so used to men talking about sex, and all that goes with it, we have accepted that it is something they need and crave. We even make jokes about it – men thinking with their “other brain” for example – but the jokes are a bit of a double edged sword, because while it’s fun to laugh at and we consider the joke to be on men, what it also does is reinforce the idea that women are not sexual creatures. We like to think we’re above sexual urges, that we don’t need it as much as men do and that gives us a certain power – and there’s truth in that. But it also makes countless women and girls ashamed of their sexual desires. They feel dirty to want all these things they’re told they shouldn’t really want.

So, while it’s now okay to use brash language to describe male sexuality, it’s not okay to use it for female sexuality. Think about most of the other words we use as a substitute for ‘vagina’; ‘pussy’, ‘beaver’, ‘fanny’, ‘snatch’, ‘vajay-jay’ … they’re all sort of cute and diminutive, they’re not strong, strident or remotely aggressive the way ‘cunt’ is. ‘Cunt’ is much more like ‘dick’ while ‘pussy’ is a lot more like ‘willy’, a word most boys stop using once they hit puberty because they feel it sounds silly. (And admit it, you giggled when you read that word.)

Rather than be ashamed of my sex, I choose to be empowered by it. Words are only words, after all, and I can say and hear ‘Cunt’ without shame, because there is simply no need for it.

thoughts from a retreat

2011-04-22T18:00:00.000+09:30

For those who came in late, Me and slave met on a catholic youth group retreat almost 2 years ago. Last weekend, we both went on the same retreat again. slave actually had a lot of responsibility, and she did a really good job... the preperations slave did for this retreat were one of the many things busying up her life the past few weeks... (her life will be less busy as of tommorow, she'll be back soon!)

It was quite difficult being in vanilla only mode for 3 days... and the cheaky side of slave enjoyed the break... she got to wear clothing that would be unacceptable anywhere else (ie tights and underwear),... etc but that's not the observation I wish to share. There was a brief brake in this vanilla atmosphere, she ducked away to double check some of her work, and I came over to help... and, even though I did nothing more then wisper dirty talk into her ear, she got very horny.

At right about the same time, some of the adolescent guys started playing games to demonstrate their manhood. Such games involved acts of pain and endurance and lots and lots of testosterone. It started out with like "How fast can you through this ball?", to "can you hit that random thing over there" to "Can you bounce the ball off the ground and hit someone in the groin?", to finally "Stand over there, and we'll through this ball at you at high speed"... you could smell the testosteroe as all these younger guys were becoming more and more competitive, trying to show off their amazing pain tolerances and fast throws. There was also quite a crowd gathering to watch it... They were comparing bruises, and then going back to try again...

Enter slave... 47kg, size 6... and dripping wet horny, and really wanting a good beating... she joined the line of people waiting to be targets, they laughed at how she couldn't be serious, joking about it, thinking she was being sarcastic... Until she walked up onto the stage, turned her back, and lifted her shirt up.

I was expecting the guy to throw a gentle lob... like how your bowl a cricket ball to a 5 year old sorta thing... what happened surprised even me...

All the guys playing suddenly realised how stupid they were being... the guy whose turn it was the throw said something like "oh no no no", and dropped the ball and left. The competition for male dominance ended as a draw... slave even egged them on a bit, but to no avail.

Bruises were still on the guys 2 days later... so they didn't hold back. Oh and in case you're wondering, no, I did not participate.

In all honesty, I don't think I could've thrown the ball hard at her back either... despite inflicting larger amounts of pain on her then this before, the audience would've interpreted it as spousal abuse... I'd be judged as reckless, and also, if they saw the smile on her face after she got hit, they might think she's insane.

Most of these people are very religious, very sheltered, and very innocent. To these friends, sex before marriage is a bit of a grey area, consensual harm doesn't sound sane, poly can't be separated from cheating, and BDSM is an acknowledged, but very distant, bedroom-only practice.

When people think of sexual discrimiation... something like this isn't the first thing that jumps to mind... people think of average lifetime wages or gender ratios on company boards... I'm of the opinion that these are poor measures of gender equality, as they can be complicated by so many other lifestyle choices that correlation can't translate in causality, and I'm a little disappointed that feminists focus their attention on these fronts.

If a 20 year old, 47kg, size 6, shyly submissive, male walked up to that target area, the game would've continued... I think the (probably inbuilt) desire of a man to protect his woman is the greatest cause of gender inequality...

My inner slave

2011-04-22T11:48:00.002+09:30

Life has been very crazy lately and I suppose I'm learning to cope better than I have done in the past, but it's still left me feeling pretty drained and frustrated. I also feel like I'm less in touch with my submissive side. I'm not sure exactly why this is - perhaps it's because I'm experiencing so many big changes in the rest of my life - but lately I've just been feeling ...disconnected.

I've never really looked at my slave-self and vanilla-self as different people before, both of them are such a large part of who I am that I doubt I could really separate the qualities of one from the qualities of the other. But, at the moment, I feel very vanilla and can't quite seem to make that transition into slave space that I can usually do so easily.

I've recently moved house and got a new job - one which is not as good as I'd hoped it would be. Master has helped me a lot during all of this, especially with moving house and then He looked after me when I was sick and bedridden. He has been amazing, but we haven't had much time for play in all this and my being sick certainly made for a bit of a reverse of our usual protocol.

I'm aching, not so much for a play session, but to be put back in my place and kept there. I miss those little things like being referred to as 'slave' or 'slut' in normal conversations, being given orders and saying 'Yes, Sir' as I get up to follow them, having Master lift up my skirt without warning to give me a few spanks... you know, all those little things which you barely notice until you stop doing them for a while.

I find I'm also really missing being lent out. That might sound odd because I still get lent out to Miss quite often and I do love that. But when Master lends me to someone without warning, who I don't know very well then it is such a huge symbol of His ownership of me and that kind of unexpected lending hasn't happened it quite some time.

We did get a small chance to engage in kinky communication when Master was driving me home after a party the other day (a vanilla party, so no play there) and it was so welcome. I loved having Him take control like that and reminding me of my place and my purpose so beautifully. It was good to feel so owned again. I know that I'm always owned, always His slave, but it does us both well to reinforce the idea.

But I'm hoping that we'll get to do a bit more of this over the next few days. Today is the start of the Easter long weekend which means time off work and an opportunity to do some live-in with Master. Can't wait!

Quick update for slave

2011-03-31T12:32:00.002+10:30

Hey there, Master hear.

just letting everyone know that slave is still alive and well. She has recently moved house, and has no internet access, and wont be online for at least another week.

Plenty of interesting things are happening in her life... check back later to hear them...

Master

Punishments

2011-03-22T11:35:00.005+10:30

So what other modes of correction, other than corporal punishment, could you suggest? I mean,what is your experience with writing lines, cornertime, being grounded? Any experiences with other corrective measures?

I haven't had much experience with other types of punishment. Generally a punishment session for us goes a bit like this: it starts with Master either telling me what I've done wrong and how He'd like me to improve, or having me explain what I've done wrong and what I can do better next time - this is so that there can be no confusion as to what the punishment is for.

Then comes the painful part. Some Doms like to have just one toy which is used for punishment so that it is never confused with play (and vice versa) but Master has a few different things He might use. Generally it will be something like the cane and it is used very forcefully.

After the punishment Master may ask me to reiterate what I was being punished for, to help the lesson sink in. Afterwards, He always makes sure that I'm okay, gives me a hug and lets me know that He loves me. I think this is a very important part of the punishment too, so that the sub knows she is being punished out of love and not out of anger. She is never being punished for who she is, only for something she has done.

I think, if there were a situation where a punishment session like this couldn't happen, for some reason, then a good punishment to have instead would be to have something taken away, such as a day without internet or a without chocolate - it would depend on the subbie, really.

But, as a general rule, I think the corporal punishment is best because it is over quite quickly and takes up all of the sub's mental space, meaning she is not left to dwell on her mistake for days at a time. It is very easily spelt out that "This is what you did wrong, now you will be punished and then forgiven" so there can be no doubt in her mind that she is still loved and can move on after her mistake.

It also has the advantage of involving both parties which, relationship wise, I think is extremely important. Writing lines and so forth distances the sub and Dom while the punishment is taking place and really, I see that as a time when the two parties should be at their closest so that they can get through it as a couple, and be sure of the love they feel for each other and the love the other feels for them.

As well as that, the pain of corporal punishment is cathartic. When I am being punished I like to feel like I have atoned for my mistake and can now move on without needing to punish myself further.

Clearing out the formsprings

2011-03-10T20:35:00.006+10:30

What does a slave do on valentines day for her master? Did you look after master more then usual, or did master do the traditional and shower you with flowers and chocolates etc?

I imagine there are lots of things a slave can do for her Master on Valentine's Day, I chose to give my Master a much needed day off. For the most part, we ignored the day altogether.

As a Catholic I'm happy to celebrate the feast day of a saint, but Saint Valentine does not bear any particular significance to me or to Master and so neither of us saw why we should celebrate this particular saint's day over another's simply because our supposedly secular society has told us that all couples must celebrate Valentine's Day.

I have an extreme dislike of all the crass teddy bears, balloons, cheap heart shaped chocolates, marshmallow roses and other random crap that gets produced for Valentine's Day and if Master were to give me that I would more likely be offended than romanced.

I'm not anti-romance, I'm just anti cliched and impersonal romance. I'd much rather we spent our joint romantic efforts on a day that means something special to us as a couple. Our collaring anniversary is coming up soon and I fully intend to dote on my Master all day. Can't wait!

I don't like to spoil surprises, so I'll post about what we did after the fact. (I should mention I'm not against other couples celebrating Valentine's Day - do what makes you happy! - it's just that Master and I aren't really that into it.)

Is there any particular place someone unfamiliar with, yet interested in these sorts of relationships could go to get involved in this lifestyle?

I think the best place to start would be FetLife. There are plenty of websites out there dedicated to BDSM but it can be tricky to spot the dodgy ones from the good ones - and many of them ask you to pay for membership too. FetLife is free to sign up for and works a bit like Facebook. It's a networking site rather than a dating site and there will be groups on there of people who would happily teach you more about BDSM and all that it encompasses. There should also be information about your local munches which will help you meet people face to face.

do you have any other pet-selves?

None so far, Echo is the only one. I don't think I'm likely to develop another in the near future either. I've always had a strong affinity with cats, but haven't felt such a strong connection to any other types animals. It's probably better this way too - too many personalities and I'll just get confused!

Thanks for sending in these questions, I always love answering them. :)

Master answers a question

2011-03-10T01:44:00.004+10:30

Slave got this message in her formspring:

Why does the master that is going to start training me want me to lie still in play? He's already trained me to run to him to relieve pain, now he says he will train me to stay put. Please advise.

Slave thought it best to forward this one to me, since it involves explaining why a Dom wants something, and thought perhaps I could answer this a bit better.

She also got the following email explaining more detail:

I am in the process of being trained. My dominant has taught me to
seek him out if I need my pain to go away. He tricked me on that one.
He would give me butt smacks me until I kissed him. I figured it out
by our next visit.

My Dom says after 6 months, i am ready to begin real training and he
will make me lay still and take the pain and assure me i am okay. Why
does he train me to run to him to stop pain and then want to train me
to lay still and learn to accept pain? It seems contradictory.

Before I take a shot at answering this. The part that sticks out to me is:

"Why does my Master want me to do ...."

I think it's very important that a slave try to read her Master to determine what His needs are, but, I'm of the opinion that second guessing his decisions really isn't a good idea. as slave puts it; one of the joys of being a slave is not having to worry about the decisions in her life, I make a choice, and she is happy to follow; because she knows I have her best interests at heart, and, failing that, having her following My orders and training makes Me happy, which makes her feel like she's a good little slave... all works nicely. She trusts me to make good desicions for her... very rarely will I make a decision and get a "are you sure, sir?" (and usually then, it's because there's further information to consider). She doesn't ask "so, why did you make me do that?". I think It's Master's job to worry about the "whys".

Back to your situation... There's a bit of ambigueity in your wording, so I'm going to make a few guesses here. Based on the statement "To make my pain go away", I'm going to assume your talking about emotional pain, and, from this, I'm guessing there was some emotional situation that was so severe that physical pain was the only way of releasing it, and that you either used to self-harm, or at least were seriously considering it.

Kink is pretty good at pain... and, although opinions on this matter differ greatly, I'm of the opinion that a good whipping is a good substitute for self-harm... if this is the case, then it makes sense for a Master to train you to seek him out when you want pain... it keeps you non-cutting, and makes your life more bareable, more of the time... and it's like a timer, that keeps you comming back for more play.

Why does your Master now want you to learn to lie still and take pain? In my opinion, to reduce you're reliance on running to him to feel better.

M/s isn't about the slave feeling good first, it's about the slave making the Master her #1 priority, and the slave finding hapiness through her service. If a slave needs constant care from her Master, then there is going to be times when Master has to serve slave, in a manner of speaking.

With Me and ss, slave needs a good degrading every few weeks, just to remind her of who she is. In these cases, play isn't primarily about me, it's about her. Don't get me wrong, I love tieing slave up, flogging her, calling her a fucking slut, forbid her from moving and then fucking her... but the purpose behind the play is to maintain her, not solely for my enjoyment. If I could train slave to not "need" to play, then I would do it, so that when we played, it would be ALL about me... unfortunately, I'm not quite sure how to do this, or if it's even possible.

If you periodicly need your pain taken away, then when it is, that interaction is slave-focused, as opposed to Master-focused. If your Master can teach you to accept and deal with pain, then you wont need it taken away, and, therefore, He wont have to serve you, in a manner of speaking.

When discussing this with slave; I likened the pain in this situation to a drug addiction... How do you get over a heroin addiction? they give you methadone as a substitite, and then slowly reduce the dose, teaching your body to go longer between smaller doses. If you need your pain to be released, he can remove this need from you by first releasing it, and then teaching you to not need it to be released.

Same as medicine; treat the symptoms first, then get rid of the problem.

Hope this answers your question

Ash

So...

2011-03-05T16:26:00.003+10:30

I haven't posted anything for a while and I'm probably not going to post anything in the immediate future either. I have a few issues at home that I need to work through and they're taking up a lot of my headspace. I have a few questions in my formspring which I'll try and get to but the other posts I had planned such as some recent play parties might have to be put on hold for a while.

Who keeps echo if we break up?

2011-02-24T02:15:00.004+10:30

Hi there, Master here.

I posed this question to slave on her formspring almost 2 months ago, after we'd had a discussion that'd touched on this thought... slave told me she didn't feel she could answer it, so, I thought I'd give it a shot.

For those who came in late; slave has a 'kitten-mode', where she takes on the behaviour and thought processes of a 2 month old kitten. We've developed this "kitten-space" over many months of play. I've named her kitten-self "Echo", for many reasons that are in a previous post on this blog.

There is overlap between echo and slave; sometimes slave'll drift into kitten space in every day situations... such as batting fabric in a craft store, or staring at shiny things randomly, and, when echo is fully out and interacting with the world, sometimes I'll see evidence of human thought... such as being fearful of stretched elastic, or ignoring a laser pointers reflection.

Despite this overlap, I think of the relationship with me and slave as having 3 sub-relationships : 1) Boyfriend/Girlfriend 2) Master/slave 3) Owner/Echo. If we cease to be Master/slave and Owner/kitten, we're still boyfriend and girlfriend.

From this logic, If me and slave break up our relationship; I'll still remain her Master, and Echo will still remain as my pet. So if we break up, and I release slave from my service, Echo is still my pet.

But realisticly; if me and slave were to end on bad terms, I wouldn't get close enough to slave to get Echo out... so, I suppose my pet would've "run away".

Even if we ended on good terms, 20 years down the track, if we were both maried to someone else, it'd be pretty hard thing for her to explain to her partner that she's ducking out for a few hours to become a kitten again.

We're also not sure if echo is aging... so, she may be a old, sleepy cat by then anyway.

I think Echo only exists because of me. Slave has a physical body, if she's no-longer my slave, she still has an existance. Echo doesn't have a physical body, she only exists inside slaves head, and she only interacts with the world when I bring her out. So, if slave isn't mine, echo wont be mine, and, if she's not bought out, she doesn't exist.

I think this is going to be my answer to the question... Echo doesn't exist if I'm not here.

Cheers for reading!

Master

Some good old fashioned Q&A

2011-02-21T11:14:00.003+10:30

do female slaves wear undies?

The rule I have with Master is that whenever I am with Him, I'm not allowed to be wearing underwear unless I have special permission or am on my period. I also know of quite a few other M/s couples (or poly groups) where the slaves are not allowed to wear underwear; sometimes the rule is a 24/7 one and sometimes it's only enforced when the slave is in the presence of their Master or Mistress.

But it's not always the case. I also know quite a few Masters and Mistresses who like to see their slave make an effort with lingerie, like to lift up a skirt and see something pretty and frilly underneath.

So, to answer your question, some slaves do wear underwear and some don't - basically it depends on what their Master or Mistress prefers.

How did your Master train to cum for 10 minutes?

I'd already been trained to cum from my command word, although they would be very short orgasms. He decided recently that He wanted to see if He could train me to orgasm continuously and so started to keep stimulating me after giving me my command word and then instructing me to continue cumming.

The training actually took hold much faster than we expected and I was soon able to cum continuously from His command, stopping only when He instructed me to stop. It's not always as long as ten minutes (thank goodness!) usually it's just a few seconds, however long Master deems to be appropriate.

New developments

2011-02-16T23:45:00.003+10:30

Since writing that last post, Master has changed my perception of orgasms once again. He has trained me to cum continuously, until He commands me to stop. There is a marked improvement here, I certainly like them better than the short ones I got from my Pavlovian response the command word, but this new training means new challenges too. Such as a marathon 10 minute orgasm which I was powerless to stop.

Master's new favourite method for punishing me when I'm being a bit cheeky is to tickle me while ordering me to cum. It makes for one exhausted slave girl, I can tell you! He doesn't use this method for serious punishments, only for the more lighthearted ones.

As it happens, this is my 100th post. I'd been preparing a much more significant post, looking back at my journey so far and giving an update on a new person in our lives. But it's getting much longer than I anticipated and taking too long to write. So, like so many TV shows that run for 100 episodes, I've decided to do a fluff piece for my centennial.

PS: I'm aware that there are a few (perhaps quite a few) things that I've said I would explain later and haven't got around to doing. If this is the case and you really want to know the full story about something, but I've forgotten to do a post on it, please send me an email or put a question in my formspring. I don't mean to neglect stories like that, I'm just sort of disorganised and forgetful.

Thoughts on orgasms

2011-02-04T20:07:00.002+10:30

The way I view orgasms has changed a lot over the course of my journey into BDSM. Although I never really analysed it before, I think I used to view them as the whole point of sex; when you were horny it was because you were craving an orgasm and so you then craved sex, in order to achieve that. Now, for me at least, orgasms and sex are not necessarily connected.

Sometimes I crave sex, but if, for example, I had to choose between having sex and cumming and could not have both - I'd choose to have sex. There is that usual submissive pleasure which comes from seeing that Master is happy and being content enough in that knowledge that it no longer matters whether I have cum or not. But there are other factors at play for me; one being that I find it incredibly hot to have an orgasm denied and two that it sometimes actually ruins my headspace.

Master and I have experimented a lot with mental bondage; being ordered to hold a position rather than being tied in it. Sometimes, rather than tie me to the bed, Master will instruct me to lie still and not make a sound. These restrictions send me into a kind of object space where everything is calm and still inside my head. I can still feel everything that's happening to me but no longer crave things the way a person does. When I'm in that space, the last thing I want is an orgasm which will bring me back to earth and make me lose that beautiful meditative state. Also, as an object, I love being used and what exemplifies that more than being used for sex but denied your own satisfaction?

Then, there is masturbation. I think masturbation is not always just a substitute for sex. Because I now have to ask for permission when I want to masturbate, I see it as something special in its own right. It's not just a stand-in for the real thing, it is an enjoyable activity which I crave, and enjoy, for its own sake.

Hard to say what my point was going to be with all this, but I just find it interesting how something so fundamental can have its meaning shifted in such a significant way.

How's it done? - Master

2011-02-02T13:42:00.002+10:30

Maybe this one is more for the Master - do you have any techniques to control your slave's everyday behaviour? Do you use them often? Or does she simply obey without any or much manipulation?

I've tried various ideas on how to control slave, various incentives, punishments, and manipulations... but in the end, I've settled on a very simple technique... it sort of happened this way, but it was only in my last semester at uni did I learn the reason why it worked.

Check out Maslow's hierarchy of needs (wiki it)... I've put the picture in to the right (hopefully). It's from my human resources management text-book, explaining concepts on employee motivation... the basic premise is that people are dead at the bottom, and at their happiest when they reach the top.

I'll provide the bottom two without question... even the naughtiest slave still gets to breathe and keep her family. I love slave... lots and lots... and she loves me lots back, so that's the third layer mostly given to her all the time.

Because slave WANTS to be a slave, The harshest punishment I can EVER give to slave is to say "I'm disappointed in you"... it means she's failed at what she wants to be in life, it takes away her esteem. It's a very harsh thing to say, reserved for intentional and informed disregard of my instructions... even writing it makes me cringe a little... it's that bad.

There are things that are 'physicaly' worse punishments I can do to her... cattle prod comes to mind, but that takes away the safety level... I don't like training her using fear in case she comes to fear making me upset, ruining the transparency of our relationship. I have a slapper that she really doesn't like, and I've used this as a motivational tool before... while I'm comfortable following through with it, it's more there as a threat to motivate her when she can't herself. (see her post on her exam revision).

Sometimes small indiscretions may get a little slap on the bum or thigh... I'm careful giving these out, because it can get confusing between happy spanks and bad spanks... if I give happy spanks for minor misbehaviour it'll teach her to be bratty.

Conversely, the BEST reward I can ever give slave is to say something like "I'm very proud of you, you're a good girl, you've made me happy". It means she's succeeded as a slave... gives her esteem and moves her closer towards self-actualisation.

There are of course shades of compliments and disappointment.

So, by giving slave an instruction... ie "don't wear underwear when you come over to my place", when she comes over, and I lift her skirt, and see she's followed the instruction, I'll say good girl... I will actually be happy and smiling that she's followed the order, and she'll feel good about it, re-enforcing the behaviour. If I lifted her skirt and saw undies I probably wouldn't have to say anything... she'd realise straight away that she'd failed and get disappointed in herself.

I've recently discovered that when in subspace, both slave and my other sub girl are open to hypnotic suggestion. After a few powerful experiments (when the girls see what they can achieve), they start to believe that they can follow orders that are otherwise impossible, and they can be trained in something completely new as easily as explaining what you want of them. Examples include: telling sub having debilitating cramps: "Stop having stomach cramps", and she did. Telling slave conversationally "for the rest of the day, when I click my fingers, I want you to orgasm for 5 seconds", the very cruel "in 10 seconds, start cumming, and don't stop till I tell you to" (she called yellow at about 15 minutes), and, my all time favourite (had to be done under hypnosis though) sub-space on command. Look her in the eye and say "Out you go, slave" and she drifts in deep subspace (the one with the pretty colours).

Hypnosis only works if the girl doesn't object to the instruction... I tried making sub go limp on command (from sitting or kneeling only, not from standing obviously)... and she couldn't do it... found out she fainted once as a child, hurt herself and is now petrified of collapsing... so hypnosis can't do everything, unfortunately.

So, to answer the question; manipulating slave is as easy as expressing like or dislike for her actions.

Master

Last day

2011-01-23T14:07:00.008+10:30

It's my last day at Master's house. He had to leave early for work this morning so we had our goodbyes then, it's annoying but I have to leave before He'll be back from work so now I'm packing up and leaving an empty house. Somehow that makes it seem just a little more poignant, as if I'm erasing my presence while He's not here.

This week has been a series of lessons to us both. As mentioned in my last post, I probably need to do a better job of keeping my emotions in check. We've noticed this before in little instances, but I think it just became all that more obvious because we were seeing each other so much.

We've also learnt exactly how important play is in keeping the relationship healthy. Normally, because we see each for short periods we know that we need to play in the next few hours or so because it'll be our only chance that week. But because I was here all the time and Master was working almost every day, it basically never happened. As Master said when we noticed it, "We accidentally turned into a vanilla couple for a week." I still followed His commands, still referred to Him as 'Master' but somehow we had let an important part of our dynamic slip.

The lack of play had left me feeling sort of melancholy and unsure of my place.* In terms of household chores I was still doing all that was expected of me and enjoyed the comments of "good girl" that I got for it, but I still felt something was missing. Looking back and knowing what part of my trouble was, I can also see that I had been acting up a lot. I was talking back, pushing boundaries and generally acting less than my usual respectful self toward Master. I think I was angling for a punishment. Because each indiscretion was a small one, I did receive punishments, but they were small too and, rather than leaving me feeling absolved and suitably humbled** like I usually do after a punishment, it left me feeling momentarily chastised and then almost immediately ready to see how far I could push the next boundary. In short, I was getting bratty.

Last night we started talking about this and that was how we worked out exactly what was wrong. I needed to put in my place because, at that moment, I didn't know where or what it was and that had me all messed up. So we played. It was a fairly tame play compared to a lot of what we do and involved basically no pain play whatsoever but it was very, very intense for me emotionally because of just how much I needed it. I had to call 'yellow' at one point because of how overwhelmed I felt and Master held me while I cried. I don't know if the tears where from relief or happiness or sadness or a mixture of all three. But when I finished crying and we resumed our play, I felt like a slave again. It feels good to be back, I only wish it didn't have to happen right when our chance of live in was finishing.

---

* There are one or two other factors that could have contributed to my feeling unsure of my place and of being a bit of a toppy submissive, but they really do deserve their own post so I'll talk about them later.

** I can't really explain exactly how I feel after a punishment in such a short sentence, but I'm planning a post on it soon which may provide a better explanation.

Live in

2011-01-19T19:30:00.003+10:30

Most of the time Master and I don't live together and we're both aware that, at this stage in our relationship, it's probably better that way. But when we get the chance, it's nice to do a little bi of live-in - and this week, we have the chance. At the moment He's out at work and I'm at home like a good girl, in a few hours I'll get His dinner ready.

I don't feel I've been an especially good slave today, I've stuffed up a few things He's asked me to do and then felt miserable when He's pointed that out. It's not that I can't stand the criticism, I think I'm upset with myself for not doing things perfectly and it hurts when He notices that. Then, of course, I feel moody because I'm upset with myself and when I catch myself sulking like that I mentally chastise myself because I'm being so childish. I also know that me being in a bad mood doesn't fix anything - if it achieves anything at all it is to make my failure that much more obvious and maybe upset Master's mood as well. That thought then makes me feel guilty, and we start all over again.

Where do Doms come from?

2011-01-15T13:06:00.003+10:30

I often wonder about this because there's so much discussion and theorising on what makes a submissive but I really hear people talk about what makes someone a Dom. There are many lists of what makes someone a good Dom, but that's not quite what I mean here. I wonder what it is that can make someone want to take control like that - and also be able to handle it.

I hear so many subs talk about how they've been this way all their lives; always craving dominance from their partner, always being fascinated by submission. Conversely, I hear very few Doms talk about how they were always fascinated by the idea of dominating someone or that they craved a submissive partner. In fact, most of the Doms I've met and talked to started out as subs or switches and it took them years to really explore their dominant side. There is a truism within the scene that "The best Doms started out as subs" and yet we never hear that the best subs used to be Doms. I think that's because we see it as very important for the Dom to be able to empathise with their sub and understand what they are experiencing - and I certainly don't discount the idea that that ability will make someone a far better Dom.

So what are Doms? Are they subs who have 'evolved' like in Pokemon, as in you can't be a Venusaur without first being a Bulbasaur? (forgive the pop culture reference, but it really does fit best with what I'm trying to say) Or are Doms born that way too and simply need to experience the scene as sub first to 'discover themselves'?

I'm curious to see what people have to say on this matter.
---

PS: When I say 'Dom', I don't mean only males, it's just easier than writing Dom/me every time. (and, I suspect, easier to read this way too)

How old were you when you first took an interest in being someone's slave?

2011-01-03T23:02:00.003+10:30

I didn't really know about the idea of slavery in the BDSM sense until I was with Master. As a vanilla couple we discovered the concept of M/s relationships together, so there wasn't really a chance for me to take an interest in being someone's slave before then.

But that's not to say I didn't think about it; I was attracted to notion of slavery for about as far back as I can remember and had fantasies of sexual slavery basically since I entered puberty. My fantasies though, were always non-consensual, and I doubt that I would have actually wanted any of them played out in real life. So, in that sense, you could say I took an interest in slavery from the age of 14. I was sensible enough not to try and get these fantasies happening but I wish I had known there was a way to safely get these needs met and that thousands of people the world over, who love each other deeply, are already engaged in relationships like the one I was craving but didn't yet know.

New Year's Eve

2011-01-02T00:24:00.004+10:30

My first kinky New Year's party and it rocked! Master and I both had to work during the day and He finished quite a few hours after me, so we arranged for me to go to Miss's house after I finished work and then She and I would go to the party together and Master would meet us there. For the first couple of hours of the party Miss had me on my leash and, in all the initial 'hello's and 'how are you's we got to introduce one another as 'my Mistress' and 'My plaything' which is fun in itself, really.

She tied me up in the cage (the same cage that Master tied me in at our very first play party) and then lifted it off the ground a little way before starting to play with me. (The cage is attached to a mechanical pulley system and can be suspended all the way to the roof with the push of a button, for this reason Dom/mes love the cage. I rather like it too.)

While in there with blindfold on, my arms tied to the roof of the cage and my waist chained to the sides, I heard Master arrive. I'd been having fun already but when Master reached his hand through the bars to stroke me hello I just lit up. He and Miss co-Dommed me after that and it was just wonderful. I remember a lot of sensation play; flogging, riding crop, ice, things dipped in ice, pastry brush and nipple clamps (joined together on the outside of the cage).

Then the cage was hoisted up to the ceiling and from that point my memory gets much hazier. I don't know how long I was up there, but I suspect I was in the cage for at least an hour, possibly even two or more. While suspended up so high my command word was shouted a lot and, if not for the fact my wrists were cuffed to the top of the cage, I think my knees would have collapsed from under me. As it was I had to be ordered to stand up straight again on several occasions. I found out later that a total of five different people had been calling out those commands.

Aftercare from the cage play was beautiful too. The best part about being co-Dommed is the cuddly Dom sandwich you get afterwards. :)

Echo came out for a play as well although it was a little short lived because she didn't take too well to the fireworks. In hindsight it might have been better to start kitty play after midnight. Oh well. But she was very well received at the party, lots of pats and cries of 'What a cute kitty!' which made Echo (who can be quite vain and attention seeking kitty) very happy indeed.

The friends I've made in the scene are all still pretty new, but I can't think of anywhere I'd have rather been to welcome the new year. It really was the best New Year's party I've been to and one of the best play parties. I got to be with the people I love, doing the things I love and I enjoyed every minute of it. It's hard to believe just how lucky I am sometimes, right now I feel like the happiest girl in the world.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T19:02:00.002+10:30

I know it's only Christmas Eve, but plenty of people are already starting their celebrations. (Like those of us with European heritage who get to have a party two days in a row!) But I wanted to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all.

It's a lovely 34°C here (that 93°F) and I have my Christmas shopping done, presents wrapped, family flying in tonight and the weekend off! Yay! Master and I won't get to see each other on Christmas day, unfortunately, but we'll make up for it on Boxing Day.

I hope you all have something wonderful planned for the next few days, whichever festival you're celebrating.

Lets try Poly! - by Master

2010-12-20T00:12:00.005+10:30

Can we have an update/comment about Master's other girlfriend who has just appeared on fetlife. - Cheers

Hey there; Master here! Slave and I figure I'm the best one to write this, so here goes!

I'm a night-fill manager at a local supermarket; I often run the shop at nights or weekends, and, while it has its stressful moments, I try to be a relaxed, easy-going manager (the kind of manager I'd want to work with), so there's often time to sit down for a chat when I'm in charge. Late one Tuesday night, the checkout supervisor (a young girl whose name I'm going to withhold) and I were locking away the day's takings.

I could see she was quite upset, so asked her what was wrong. The abridged version was her boyfriend was being an arse, and threatening to break up with her, and being the EXTREMELY shy girl she is, all her friends were her old high school friends, and they were now better friends with him, so if she broke up with him, she'd lose all her friends. He knew this, and was emotionally blackmailing her with it.

We chatted for around 15 minutes, just letting her unload. After the worst was out, I went to let her out of the store. As she was leaving, she turned to me and said something like "Thank you, nobody has ever listened to me before" I asked "Would you like to keep talking?" She said yes, and we went upstairs to the staff room and made a coffee each. It was 9:30pm, we talked about everything, my team went home at 1am, and we kept talking till 3:30am when tiredness wore us out.

Over the next 2 weeks we told each other everything; she found out about BDSM, Master/slave, open relationship, etc. We'd sit there at work till the early hours (often on company time lol). Until one night, after a particularly meaningful hug, she leant forward and kissed me.

Took me by surprise, we made out for a while. She wanted to come back to my place for sex, but, a promise I'd made to slave was that I'd inform her first before sleeping with someone else; it was 2am and slave sleeps with her phone off. I was also a little concerned that, even though her boyfriend was an arse, she'd be cheating on him.

Next night, slave was informed, and she came back to my place, and tried out a few of the contraptions I have in my house... including the pillory and some light suspension, before having sex. I was worried that slave would be upset; we'd had an open relationship for at least 6 months, but, aside from a public play at a party, I hadn't touched another girl. She was fine, happy that I was happy, which was a big relief.

Over the coming week I introduced her to my fucking machine, straitjacket, floggers, and subspace.

Our relationship grew, and we were becoming more than just friends with benefits, slave detected this, and asked to meet her. I was a little nervous that the two girls wouldn't get on, or jealousy would get the better of one of them. Both girls are quite shy, so I was a little worried that they'd just sit there staring at each other. We all met a local bar for a few overpriced drinks (one of the disadvantages of poly is having to buy 50% more food and drinks!), all as equals, and with the expressly stated goal that this was an introduction, and not going to lead to a threesome.

An hour later, we all got fed up with the outrageous drink prices, and decided it was cheaper to use my collection of alcohol at home, and shortly afterwards, all 3 of us had our very first threesome.

Over the coming weeks, her and I grew closer, and her relationship with her arsehole boyfriend degraded. Eventually (after getting slave's approval) I asked her "Would you like to be my second girlfriend?" She kissed me, laughed, and shyly said yes.

I'd discussed with both girls, before asking her, that I would want to organise my girls First In, Last Out... ie if something happened and the relationships started to fall apart; the newest addition would go, and I would keep slave.

So, for the last 3 months, I've had 2 girlfriends. I love them both very much, and I love slave no less than this time last year.

My new girlfriend is incredibly submissive; it took me 3-4 months to train slave in orgasm-on-command, she picked it up in a week. I refer to her as owned and my property, and it brings a smile to her face; but she is not ready to be collared, and is uncomfortable with being called a 'slave'. While she likes kneeling before me and being owned by me and being helpless before me, she believes very much in equality, and the concept that a dominant could be superior to a submissive doesn't fit well for her.

The two girls do not have a relationship between them; it's a V-shaped poly, rather than a triangular one; slave wonders whether they're both too submissive to be in a relationship with each other. Slave is my 'primary' relationship; she is the girlfriend I introduce to my family and the one I have listed on FaceBook.

slave now has regular play with another mistress; so in a way we both have "another relationship"... which serves to sorta equal things out and, when our relationship is vanillarised for someone, we both have another partner, which is fair. Neither girl has expressed any dislike for the situation, so, looks like it'll be staying this way (I'm not going to complain either!)

I've introduced both girls to some of my vanilla friends. "Hi these are my girlfriends!" They were quite accepting of it.

It took a few months to build up the courage in her to just create a fetlife account; so it'll be many months before I can start bringing her to parties, etc.

The cutest thing ever is when we're sitting on the couch in my lounge room, with one or two of them tied up or at least naked, I put my arms around both, and say: "I love you two", and have the 2 girls take turns to respond "I love you too".

Master Ash

When kink gets weird

2010-12-11T00:13:00.003+10:30

...is when you start cuddling the whip.

Master has one flogger that I especially love. It's black and red suede strips, beautiful for impact play and sensation play. I love the thud it makes on my back when it hits me in full force, and the surprising bite it gives when I'm hit with just the tips.

Yesterday Master and I were playing, I was lying on my back and He had instructed me to put my arms over my face like a blindfold while He alternated between whipping me and tickling me with the flogger. I was really enjoying it and I think, in that relaxed and happy state of mind, Echo may have popped out to say 'hello'. Without thinking or even realising what I was doing, I felt Master move the flogger up my body and dangle it near my face and my arms stopped being a blindfold and reached out to grab the flogger - just the way Echo reaches out to play with a dangling string.

Then, having won the toy and wrestled it to the ground, I cuddled up to it contentedly. Master even let me keep hugging it for the rest of play session, I think He found it kind of cute. When we finished He had to instruct me to let the flogger go and cuddle Him instead. I was happy hugging Him, of course, but couldn't resist feeling around with my free hand to see if I could find my toy again. No such luck unfortunately.

Question time

2010-12-06T20:48:00.005+10:30

Have you ever been tied up and subjected to any forms of foot tortures? Please explain.

I wanted to wait a while on this question because, when I received it, the answer was 'no'. I've been to two parties since then and played privately too, so I had hoped it might change, but I'm afraid the answer is still 'no'. I promise I will post about it though, should it happen. Thank you for the question, I especially appreciate how well written it is, it makes it even harder to give you a negative response.

enema

Not to get too technical here, but I don't think that's a question. Or even a comment that relates to this blog. But to answer the question that you maybe meant to ask, no I have not ever had an enema, am not planning to have one in the near or distant future and I'm not especially curious about, or turned on, by the idea of them. I don't have a problem with anyone else doing them, I'm just not interested in having one myself. Neither Master or Miss are into anal play, so it's unlikely that I'll be coerced into one either.

how do i become a willing slave

That's...quite an involved question; I'm not really sure where to begin. I think my first suggestion would be not to assume that being a slave is somehow better than being a sub or a bottom, I know there are a lot of people out there who like to talk about levels of submission and imply that being a slave makes you more of a "true" submissive, that people involved in anything less than 24/7 TPE are taking the easy road. Don't listen to them. M/s relationships are not for everyone - and that's okay. In your relationships and your approach to life and the scene, you need to do what feels right for you. This may be subbing, Domming, switching, pain play, power play, flogging, cutting, needle play, suspension, forniphilia, age play, pet play - or any of the other thousands of options available to you. There is no need to label yourself a slave if you're not comfortable with it.

On the other hand, if being a slave is what you want, then go for it. But I would still advise you to be careful when entering a D/s or M/s relationship because rushing into one could be dangerous. I hate to be so sombre, after all my own M/s relationship has been wonderful and nurturing, but there are still a lot of people out there who twist BDSM to their advantage and really do not have their sub's best interests at heart. So, before accepting anyone's collar, make sure you've played with, been on some dates with them, met their friends, spend some vanilla time together and, most importantly, make sure you feel comfortable and safe with them.

From my own experience, the slavery came forth on its own - it grew and developed with the relationship and the people in it. I know others find they need to work on it more than that and that does mean they are less suited for slavery, just that they come at differently and have different needs. I think you will find that becoming a slave is really a matter of accepting this part of yourself and finding someone to share it with. That can be a Protector or a Dom/me or Master or Mistress or something else that doesn't even have a title - someone who will help you grow, encourage you and look after you.

Until that time, I say, have some fun. Meet people, get involved in a scene (locally or online), play with people and explore as much as you can. It is a truly fascinating world within a world and one that never stops evolving. Enjoy it!

First play party without Master

2010-12-03T19:43:00.006+10:30

Last weekend was the first time Master lent me out without supervision. Miss H came over in the afternoon to pick me up for the party, I made us dinner and we got ready together before heading out. When we arrived the party was still in its early stages, no one had started playing and so we joined with socialising. Then Miss decided to bring out my first task for the evening.

Miss does quite a bit of jewelry making and so has a collection of beads of all different shapes, sizes and colours and the box She kept them in had gotten knocked so all the beads got mixed up. So She brought the box along to the party and set me the task of sorting them all back into their original compartments.

I'm not sure if this was an exercise in mental sadism, testing patience, humiliation through demeaning tasks or just that She needed Her beads sorted and didn't want to do it Herself. Maybe a mixture of all of those. I wonder if it was meant to be achievable or not? I've heard of Doms setting impossible kinds of tasks before as some of kind of test for their sub. Knowing full well it won't get finished, but wanting to see exactly how far the sub gets before giving up or running out of time.

It certainly did test my patience. Some of those beads were minuscule and I needed to use Her jewelry pliers just to pick them up. As well as that, I was only allowed to use one hand at a time. Miss chained my right hand behind my back (I'm right-handed) and made me use only my left hand for the first 20 minutes. Then I got to swap over and use my right hand for 20 minutes, then She chained both my hands together and to my waist to shorten my reach. I was kneeling on the ground and had to move the bead box onto my lap so I could reach it and that meant I had to keep it balanced all the time to stop it slipping. (See what I mean about impossible sounding tasks?)

The room we were in had plenty of couches and things so people kept coming in to chat. This meant, of course, that I became a bit of a topic of conversation and everyone was giving Miss suggestions on how to torture me further by messing up the beads again or making the task more challenging. It's very worrying to hear people suggest things like that to your Domme because you can never be quite sure if they'll do them or not.

Eventually I finished and was allowed to join in the party a bit more. It felt great having got it done but, little did I know, I had dropped 5 of the beads while sorting them and then lost them in the carpet. I'd have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling Doms! They must have scoured the carpet looking for those beads and one of them came to find me later to tell me "You're in trouble...." I did get in trouble too, Miss gave me a swipe with Her extra stingy whip for each of the beads I'd lost and had me count them out loud.

Our play session was fun, it started out with me being covered in moisturiser, then cling wrap and then dressed in a straight jacket and skirt. The skirt and the cling wrap were all later cut off me while I was tied to the St Andrew's cross. I remember some flogging and sensation play and quite a few forced orgasms (Master told Miss about the command word He uses for me and we've discovered it works when She uses it too). I had a really pretty subspace going during that play - and therefore can only remember hazy details. But I know I had lots of fun, I really enjoyed that night with Miss and I hope we can do it again.

The other exciting thing to happen that night is that I am now Miss's official plaything. I say official because we've now listed it on our Fet pages :) Funny how that makes me so excited because it's really just stating what was already going on. But guess that's proof of the influence Facebook is having over this generation.

I think there's more I wanted to say, but I'm super tired and Master has told me I need to post this before I can go to bed. Good night!

What's been happening lately

2010-11-24T22:38:00.006+10:30

So I'm back! Assignments, exams and all that other stuff is now done and dusted and I'm allowed to use the internet as much as I like now. It's funny how much more exciting something is after it's been denied for a while. While Master had those very strict rules about my study and time management in place, He would sometimes allow me a little bit of free time on the internet as a reward if I reached one of my goals early. It made for an excellent incentive. And, even though the times were very short - really only enough to check what had been going on, not to make much contribution to it - they really were a reward and I worked hard for them.

Now the rules have been removed (until I start studying again) and I can use the internet whenever I like, it's not nearly as exciting. I guess because it's not a treat anymore, just like if you give a child a lollipop everyday they will stop seeing lollipops as something special and start to see them as normal. I'm not complaining of course, and it's still a bit special to have internet privileges because I know now what it's like to have them taken away. Still, it's funny how the mind works in that way.

I really loved having Master take such control of my life and I think I really needed it then too. I honestly don't know how I could have got through these last few weeks without His help. He had even regulated the times when I would get up and go to bed each day and it felt wonderful to be following His commands in all these seemingly mundane aspects of my day.

After He has been so good to me and looked after me and supported me when I needed it most, I look forward to being able to focus on Him some more. I always try to do little things to show Him how grateful I am but it is hard when you've got so many millions of worries buzzing around in your head. So now that most of them are resolved, I can start being a much better subby and looking after my Master in all the ways I couldn't manage before.

But, now the catch up. I did get to go out to a play party during that time. Master made it into a reward so I only got to go because I'd reached all the goals for the day. It was good that way, I think if there hadn't been conditions on me going then I would have felt guilty while I was there and it also meant I had a much needed break from study. It was still a fairly short night out which I'd say was quite a good thing for both of us. Might have to write the details of that party in my next post as this one is getting a bit long.

This weekend I'll be going to my first play party without Master. He is lending me to Miss H for the whole night and I am so excited! She and I met up today to talk about play, protocol and so on for the party and She has said She'll be talking to Master about it too to make sure everything is okay. I'm a little nervous about going there without Master, but I've played with Miss H quite a bit now and we've gotten to know each otherquite well, Master knows Her and trusts me with Her so I'm not too worried, I know I'll be in good hands.

I'll let you all know how it goes - I can hardly wait!

Offline

2010-11-12T17:19:00.002+10:30

Master has upped the ante a bit with my rules regarding study. I'm on the home stretch with uni for this year and so I have a lot that needs to be done in the next few weeks. I told Master how worried I was about getting everything done on time and He's drawn up a study plan for me. In the meantime, no more internet. No blogging, no facebook, no fetlife. I think I'm allowed to check my email, but only my vanilla one (yes, I compartmentalise a lot). So, I'll be offline for a bit and thought I'd better say so now.

I'll be back at the end of the month :)

2010-11-07T23:10:00.000+10:30

Have you ever been held down and had the soles of your bare feet tickled without mercy? When and where?

I haven't actually. Mostly because I'm just not a very ticklish person so it wouldn't have much of an effect on me.

Master, on the other hand, is very ticklish and when we were in that cuddle puddle at the play party recently He got tickle-attacked by the rest of the group until He shouted out "You can't tickle me, I'm a Dom!" I'm not allowed to tickle Master, so that quite was fun to watch.

Grammar and sexuality

2010-10-29T10:09:00.005+10:30

Was being lend (sp? sure not "lent"?) out your first time with a woman? If so would you consider yourself bi-sexual?

Oh ha! It is loaned. I just sumbitted the lent/lend question. Omg grammar queen here and I didn't remember "loaned". =)

I've just checked the lovely dictionary and, yes, 'lent' is correct. It was a bit of an education really. 'Loan' actually started out as a noun, but has now become widely accepted as a verb - particularly in a financial context. From what I can gather, 'loaned' tends to be used more in the past continuous tense (and 'loaning' in the present continuous) whereas 'lent' is the past perfect conjugation.

I think also there would be some confusion because in American English there has been a movement towards taking out what they deem to be irregular past tense conjugations (ie; anything that doesn't end in 'ed') and making them conform to the norm, whereas in UK or Australian English they have kept the originals (for example, Americans say 'spelled' whereas the English say 'spelt', but both are correct). By that logic, I would say that both 'lent' and 'loaned' are correct too.

But, just to get really pedantic, I'm going to go to use both words, depending on their tenses. So, if I'm talking in past continuous I will say "While I was being loaned" and when I'm using the past perfect I'll say "When I was lent". Now as long as no one tries to make "lended" a word, we should be okay.

(I'll go back to everyday English now, lol.)

To answer what I think was the more significant part of your question, getting loaned out was my first BDSM experience with another woman and yes, I do consider myself bisexual.

But I think I should explain a bit more. I'd known for some time that I like girls and my first ever experience with one was - to be a little cliched - back in high school. I've never had a romantic relationship with a woman though, partly because of a fairly conservative upbringing and partly because I was just too damn shy to ask anyone out on a date. There was a girl I had really liked for quite a while but I could never work up the courage to say so. Sometimes I wonder about how that could have panned out if I'd ever worked up the nerve to say something... goes pensive for a while

I should also mention that when Master lends me to someone else, it's not for sex. I get lent out for play, which admittedly can be quite sexual in its nature, but I have never slept with another Dom or Domme.

Where to start?

2010-10-28T10:37:00.001+10:30

Well, it was play party night on Saturday. There's one very regular, very popular group in our scene who puts on a play party once every month, even though we've only been in the scene for about 5 or 6 months, this event is fast becoming a monthly highlight for me. (and for Master too!)

I feel like we're starting to find our niche in the scene, we have a group of people we know and like, the people at the door recognise us when we come in and we're much more comfortable and at home. I feel like I'm really getting to know people better and developing some wonderful relationships within the scene.

I had a totally amazing time at that party. So much happened and I really don't know where to start in my description. I suppose the most significant part (or rather, the part of the night that my mind keeps wandering back to) happened towards the end of the night. Master and I were walking past one of the beds off to the side of the room and saw a group of our friends doing some aftercare. The aftercare had more or less finished and now it was just one giant cuddle puddle on the bed. So Master and I joined in too.

Not sure how it happened, but I ended up being the only slave in that cuddle puddle. The rest were three switches, two Dommes, Master and one sub (he was the one who had been getting the aftercare). So, I suppose via status and process of elimination, I was the errand runner of the group. It started because one the Dommes (who I'll call Miss F because it's going to get confusing if I don't use some sort of name for everyone in the story) had me go to her car and get her ugg boots out - she'd been in heels all night, after all - then bring them back and put them on her feet. I think that put me into a very subby mindset and perhaps got the rest of the group thinking Dommy thoughts.

When I was coming back from the food table with lollies for everyone I saw Master talking to another of the Dommes, Miss M*, He turned to me and told me to turn around so my back was to the group, then to bend over and lift my skirt. Then I heard Him and Miss M talking some more. When I was allowed to stand up again I gave everyone their lollies and Master instructed me to get up on the bed and lift my skirt up so everyone could have a closer look. (I'm never allowed to wear underwear to these parties so I'm sure you can use your imaginations as to what this was all about)

What happened from there (and there are some subspace induced blanks in my memory so I can't give you all the details) is that I was stripped, cuffed, blindfolded and played with by the whole group. No, there was no sex (this was a public party after all) but what was involved was a fair amount of probing fingers. I do remember that at one point two people, er... bumped hands and there was a short conversation that sounded a bit like when you try and pass someone in a hallway but keep moving in front of each other by accident.

I also remember having my nipples pinched and pulled a fair bit, and bitten at least a few times. Also, because it was the end of the night and lots of people were saying their goodbyes, Master kept pulling me back by my hair so that people could have a goodbye grope.

It was a fun play session (although it completely wore me out!) Master wants me to write here about how it made me feel, He suggested slutty, humiliated, objectified, etc. But none of those seem to quite fit the feeling I had. I felt used, certainly, but overwhelmingly I felt happy. I knew that what I had done had made Master happy (and made several other people happy too) and the knowledge of that left me contended and fulfilled.

*I should mention that neither of the Dommes there that night were the Domme Master has loaned me to previously - I'll call Her Miss H from now on.

Abuse

2010-10-26T23:12:00.000+10:30

This question has been sitting in my inbox for some time now, mostly because I felt unsure about the motivation behind asking it. It's not as light and easy as some of the questions I get to answer.

Most people were shocked and disgusted by the story of Natascha Kampusch (google it), given your situation, how else do you re-act to this story?

I don't think that my situation really changes how I react to this story at all. I do not support non-consensual slavery, pedophilia, kidnapping, abuse, or any other breach of basic human rights. From what I've read of her story, Natascha Kampusch may have come to identify with her kidnapper but their relationship was a far cry from a consensual D/s one.

Had she been over the age of consent and actively sought out this kind of life for herself, then my reaction would likely be more sympathetic. But, as this was not the case, and she did not give her permission for her freedom to be taken away then I am just as shocked and disgusted as the rest of the world.

Love my lurkers

2010-10-24T16:08:00.001+10:30

I've just found out that it was Love our Lurkers day on Wednesday. I had no idea! But it made me think just how much I do love my lurkers, I really appreciate that there are people reading my blog and sticking with it (even as I go through long patches of being unable to write).

So I wanted to say a big 'Thank you!' to my lurkers. I'm always a little bit amazed when I see how my hit counter is going - how strange it is to think that many people are interested in little ol' me and my thoughts.

But I'm so curious about you all. I wonder who you are, why you're reading, what kinds of posts are your favourites, where have you come from, are you in the Lifestyle, looking to join it, used to be in it or are you just curious?

If you'd like to indulge my curiosity a bit, could you leave a comment? I know that's a tough for lurkers - I've been one too! But it doesn't have to relate to the blog at all, I suppose I'd just like to know a bit about you.

As I mentioned in my 'What makes you the most happy' post, I really love getting letters and emails - I also love, love, love getting comments.

Rules

2010-10-20T17:28:00.003+10:30

It's funny how if I set rules for myself I usually end up breaking them. No matter how beneficial they may be in the long run, no matter how much I know I'll regret not following them, I can't seem to help myself. I've been known to cheat at Solitaire too.

Yet somehow, once that same rule is set by Master, I try my absolute hardest to follow it. You could argue that this is because Master has the power to punish me if I don't follow His rules, but I don't think the threat of punishment is the biggest incentive.

I've been struggling a lot this year and so I've had trouble keeping up with my study. I asked Master for some help because I could see I was drowning in all this and unable to pull myself out. He has put a rule in place; every time I open up the computer, I have to do at least 100 words on one of my assignments. It might sound insignificant but it helps me to chip away at these mammoth essays I've been finding so daunting. (Also, I use the computer a lot). My punishment, if I don't follow this rule, will be the paddle. The paddle cuts right through my pain threshold and I'm really not a fan of it, so it really will be a proper punishment, not a fun one.

The thing about this rule is that I could have set it myself, it's not such a revolutionary idea that it couldn't have occurred to me. But I wouldn't have been able to push myself enough if it were just my rule. It had to be His rule for it to make enough of an impact. Also, I don't see Master every day, I could just lie and say that I've done my assignment when I haven't. But I have absolutely no desire to do that. I want to follow His rules and accept His punishment if I break them.

It had already helped me so much. I got my first assignment finished 5 days before it was due (a first for this year) and am making good progress on the second. I have a couple more to do after that so the end is not in sight just yet. But I'm getting there, I am making steady progress and panicking a lot less.

How lucky I am to have my Master looking after me.

Adventures as Echo

2010-10-08T18:17:00.003+10:30

Echo got to meet another kitty for the first time the other week. She was very nervous and shy to start with. But she relaxed after a while and had a lot of fun playing with Pounce.

It was established pretty early on in the play date exactly who the 'alpha kitty' was and it was not Echo. Not that she minded that, Echo has too short an attention span to really worry about where she is on the ladder - so to speak. She happily shared her bowl with Pounce too.

Their owners seemed to have a lot of fun too and had a seemingly endless supply of pretty toys to play with. Echo and Pounce even learnt a bit about team work while inadvertently chasing the same toy. They ended up falling asleep in a big, happy kitty pile on the floor.

Things i struggle with

2010-10-06T23:34:00.007+10:30

Master knows best

Logically, I know that I am owned by a very intelligent, empathetic and observant man who knows me inside and out, cares for me deeply and always acts with my safety and well-being at the forefront of His mind. I know these things. But sometimes I struggle with them and attempt to control a situation anyway. You would think I've learnt by now because I keep stuffing it up when I do.

The thing is that for most of my life I have prided myself on my intelligent and pragmatic attitude toward life. I am sensible. I am thoughtful and deliberate and I know what's best for me. In almost all of my previous relationships I have maintained my independence. I don't mean that I wasn't involved in them, just that I made sure I wouldn't find myself lost and confused when they finished.

I'm aware that I'm losing a lot of that independence and coming to be much more dependent on Master than I have been with any of my boyfriends. I think, at times, I get scared and that fiercely independent part of me tries to rebel.

That rebellion has made me do some very stupid things life refuse aftercare or insist that it can wait. Naturally, things don't end up going well when I do that. (To anyone from my local scene who might be reading this, rest assured that it is never Master's decision to delay aftercare, only my stupid and belligerent insistence.)

I'm making a promise to myself to be a better slave, to trust my Master more. I've always trusted Him when it comes to sharing and opening up and taking care of me during our scenes. Now I just need to learn to trust Him with decision making as well and this, particularly in social settings, seems to me a lot harder.

Big questions

2010-10-05T22:21:00.004+10:30

what do you fear most in your life?

Losing Master. If He were to suddenly disappear from my life I just would not know what to do, I'd be lost and unowned. It's not something I like to think about too much.

What is the most risky thing you have ever done? Did you try to lessen the risk? Was the risk worth taking?

A few years ago I went to live with a family in Italy. I traveled by myself to stay with people I'd never met and who spoke a language I was not really fluent in. I suppose I lessened the risk by staying sort of semi-independent; I made sure I had my own phone and railway pass and so on. Also, this was arranged through an exchange organisation so I had contacts over there if I needed them.

As to whether it was worth it, I'm not sure. It was something I had always wanted to do so, if I hadn't taken the opportunity I probably would have regretted it. But the thing is, it was not a very happy time in my life. I found I was never able to really fit in or feel comfortable. I did a lot of comfort eating and I was so excited when it came time to come home.

I think I am glad, in a way, that I did it. I proved to myself that I was strong enough to have been able to spend that long away from family and friends and in another culture and I came back much more mature and independent than I had been when I left. It's also made me appreciate so many things about home.

Hello! So, my Master and I are pretty new to our BDSM lifestyle, and we're even newer to the concept of petplay. I have always acted as his "little pet," but always leaned towards becoming a fox-like pet. (I'm currently waiting on some realistic fox ears (cut off)

I'm really curious as to what the rest of this post was - could you please email me? I've put the address on my sidebar now :)

What makes you the most happy?

2010-09-28T23:20:00.007+09:30

The first answer that jumps into my head is "making Master happy" and that's caertainly up there in my top 5. But I really like this question and wanted to add a few more things to my answer. So, off the top of my head (because I'm sure I'll think of more the day after I post this) here are some things that make me very happy indeed:

~ Cuddles. With Master, with friends, with family or teddy bears, I just love cuddling.

~ Being told that I've been a good girl, that I've made Master happy and that He is proud of me

~ Really involved, intelligent debates and discussions (and they're even better when I win)

~ Being Echo. I especially love playing with my new ball with the shiny bell inside

~ Knowing that I've done something well. Whether it's a play session, an assignment, a batch of cupcakes or whatever, if I can be sure I've done a good job then I'm happy.

~ Getting mail. I love to see new emails, letters, notes or text messages from the people I love. I get genuinely excited seeing that I have something new sitting in my inbox.

~ Dressing up. I love to wear pretty things and it's even better if there's an occasion for them. Consequently, one of my favourite things about play parties is the fact I can wear things that are not only gorgeous, but also, shall we say, not what you'd wear into the office.

~ Being with friends

~ A really good book

~ Lying on the grass under the warm sun

~ Spending the day in bed with Master, cuddly and warm under the covers, while I can hear rain pattering on the roof

- Play parties. I love to catch up with everyone, see their pretty clothes and pretty toys, I love being able to be open about my dynamic with Master in public, I really love playing publicly (somehow our scenes have such a different feel in a public setting, even though I'm generally blindfolded) and I find I'm increasingly loving getting lent out.

~ A night in with the telly (TV to my overseas readers)

~ Swimming

~ Christmas carols

~ Tea

~ Being able to tell a vanilla friend what I got up to over the weekend and not have to translate things into a vanilla context

~ Seeing Master smile

~ Attempting to explain something and then getting my words all mixed up but seeing that He understood anyway

~ Having my kitty fall asleep on my lap

~ Putting on my play collar (or having Master put it on for me)

Must get back in the blogging habit

2010-09-22T17:48:00.007+09:30

Does Master prevent you from masturbating?

Yes and no. I'm allowed to masturbate but must ask permission to actually cum. Sometimes, if I've been very good or He knows I'm having a hard day, Master will send me a message giving me the instruction to cum.

What is the sexiest thing anybody has said/done to you?

I have to pick just one? That's tough! I think I would have to go with the time Master first made me His slave. It was like something inside Him just switched on and He became this incredibly confident and powerful ... master - there is really no other word for it.

Seeing the change in Him caused an instant change in me and, for the first time, I was able to submit to Him totally. His voice was clear and direct and it never entered my head to refuse Him what He wanted. He basically pinned me to the bed, slapped me across the face, called me a whore and slut, made me beg and plead and then forced me to swallow His cum.

To this day, it remains one of my fondest memories.

Aftercare from life

2010-09-21T12:16:00.001+09:30

I know I've posted stuff like this before, but I just can't resist saying again what a wonderful master I have.

Over the past few weeks while I've been struggling, He's been looking after me so wholeheartedly. The stuff I've had going on was out of His control and not something He could have interfered with. As scary and difficult as it was going to be, it was a problem I had to tackle myself.

But He encouraged me and reassured me all the way and now that I'm finally rid of it, He has taken me back into His arms and let me curl up all safe and sound.

I love my vanilla life and I don't think I'd really want to give it up. But there are times when I think how perfect it feels to be in His arms or at His feet and about how He has provided me with more love and support than I ever thought possible and I wonder why I would want to be anything other than His slave. What could be more fulfilling than that?

I know the answer, of course, and I know that Master wants me to represent Him well in the world and to make Him proud. I want to make Him proud too. But still... there are appeals to being a simple live-in slave.

Absent

2010-09-15T16:24:00.002+09:30

I haven't posted anything for a while lately, and I suspect it'll be a few more days 'til that changes. But rest assured, I am still here.

I've been going through a really tough time and just haven't been up to writing much at all. It's nothing Lifestyle related - rather the opposite, I think play sessions with Master are about the only thing keeping me sane just now. I need Master so much at the moment, but of course, when you need it most, time together is scarce.

I hope things are going well for everybody at the moment. I'll be back and writing soon.

You are both very young; is it possible your rushing into Master/slave without a full understanding?

2010-09-06T12:56:00.005+09:30

Yes, it's possible, just as it's possible for a couple twenty years older to enter an M/s relationship without full understanding. But I can understand where you're coming from with this question, and it's a fair point to make. I'm not sure I can properly reassure you with just a blog post either, the only way to do that would be for you to see my Master and me together, get to know us and our dynamic and then make a judgment for yourself.

But what I think is the best argument to say we do understand what we're doing is that we became Master and slave without knowing about the BDSM scene first. The dynamic came totally from us and from our relationship following its natural path. Neither of us saw M/s couples and thought "That looks cool, I want to try it too." We did what was natural for us and what felt right.

There have been some difficulties but we're both practical people and do not want to base our relationship on what feels right for someone else, we want it to be what is right for us. The rules and protocol we follow have developed over time and if we find something doesn't work, we change it.

I would say the most important thing in any relationship and especially in a D/s relationship is trust and, as part of that, honesty and communication. As long as Master and I trust each other, are open with each other and understand each other then I think our relationship will work - in whatever form it takes.

Formspring messages

2010-08-26T16:04:00.002+09:30

I have two messages in my formspring at the moment, but I think there's a character limit when you post a question and so both of them have been cut off! I'm very curious as to what they say so if you know one of them is yours could you please email me? My address is secret dot slave at hotmail dot com (spaced out to avoid spam-bots). Thank you :)

More about the contract?

2010-08-22T22:16:00.001+09:30

I think I'm going to need some help answering this question because I don't know where to start. What you like to know? I love getting questions and being able to answer them but this has just left me stumped, I'm sorry.

I can say this to begin with; while we have a contract written up and we are both happy with it, we're not living by it just now. There are elements of it which we already incorporate into our daily lives, but because we don't live together and don't get to see each other on any kind of regular schedule, living with a strict contract is just too impractical. It is intended as a guideline for the contract we will have when we live together. Although, probably by that stage there will be things we want to update.

For now we have some basic rules which we live by whenever we can.

Do you ever make decisions for Master?

2010-08-20T11:47:00.002+09:30

Not really, any kind of important decision making is left up to Him. Although there are smaller things like, if I'm cooking dinner then I tend to decide what we're having.

I do influence Master's choices somewhat because we both like to talk to one another and size up a situation before making up our minds. But even so, Master isn't really obliged to tell me this kind of stuff if He doesn't want to. Generally we choose to share as much as possible with each other because that's how our relationship works best, if we both know what is going on in the other's life then we will be better able to know what they need.

So I do offer advice to Master, which He takes into account, but at the end of the day the choice is always His.

Lending

2010-08-19T23:40:00.000+09:30

Master lent me out for the first time the other night. It was my first play session with someone else and I was a little nervous about how it might go. But I was also very excited about it, I've been curious about being lent out for quite a while now.

I really enjoyed our play session. I'm told it lasted for over an hour but I really did lose track of time - I was a little 'spaced out' after all.

Her style is similar to Master's in some ways and quite different in others. We did a lot of sensation play, flogging, teasing, spanking and some humiliation. Technically some knife play too but the knife wasn't very sharp, I'd put it more under sensation play.

I wasn't sure what level of protocol She expected, so I decided to play it safe and just be as good a subby as can be, doing what I was told. I slipped up at one point, towards the end of the session after She had given me a drink of water I accidentally said "Thank You, Si- Miss!"

To end my sentences with 'sir' is so natural when I'm in that space, it just slipped out. But She didn't seem too worried about it, either She didn't hear or my correction sounded apologetic enough that She didn't mind. I got it right each time after that though.

I was sort of unsure as to how aftercare would go, would it feel strange with someone else? But by the end of that play session it was all I could do not to collapse into Her arms and snuggle up as soon as She untied me. (We had to move away to a more cuddle-friendly area first) It's a real sign of how intense play can get - it really connects you on some deeper level, completely bypassing all the surface interactions we see as so important in daily life.

I heard this joke definition recently "A sadist is someone who does kind things to a masochist." It sounds silly and makes me laugh, but there's an element of truth in it too and it's that part of every sub that makes us want to scream "Thank you!" for each slap, each insult, each whip that we "endure". I'll never understand why everyone doesn't want to try this out.

So, yeah, I had lots of fun and felt blissfully floaty for the next few days. I can't wait to do it again.

What does being "owned" mean to you?

2010-08-12T10:04:00.001+09:30

I was asked this on a message board a little while ago, and this was my brief answer;

It means being looked after, having someone I can always turn to when I need help. While it's taken me a long time to get used to this, it also means I don't need to be ashamed to ask for help or feel that I'm burdening someone with my problems that they'd rather not be bothered with because He needs to know, and wants to know, everything. Being owned means being freer and happier than I ever was before.

The being looked after is important to me, but so is being allowed to look after Master. I've always loved looking after people, doing nice things and making them happy. The more I care about someone, the more I want to do this, essentially I want to serve the person I love. But this isn't really allowed in modern relationships, you're supposed to be equal partners and too much "I'm happy to do what you want to do" makes them think you're not being honest. Being owned means being allowed to serve Master in all the ways I could not do if we were in a vanilla relationship, it makes us both happy this way.

It means having someone who does what's best for me and makes me do what's best for me too. I may not always like the orders Master gives me, but I know that those ones that are hardest to follow are probably the ones I need the most.

Being owned feels, to me, like the purest expression of love. Master has enough vested interest in me that He genuinely wants me to succeed, wants me to be happy and fulfilled. When I take a step back and think about that, I'm amazed. I find it incredible that I am loved this much by someone that they want me to be happy in my own right rather than simply happy to be with them. I've never had a partner so involved and interested in the rest of my life.

In a way, it's a little like being a child again, I have someone to turn to for the big decisions, someone who looks after me, lets me cry on their shoulder and would probably even kiss me better if I scraped my knee. It means having someone who knows me better than I know myself, He seems to understand my moods or reactions far better than I do and He knows what I need at any given time.

This is a tough question to answer, not because I can't think of what to say but because there is too much I want to say. Being owned means everything to me, if I spent all day listing why it makes me so happy, I would still have more to say - and it's difficult to know when something is good because I'm owned or because the person who owns me is so wonderful.

So, suffice to say, being owned means being happy. I think that's as concise as I'll get and, while I feel it doesn't necessarily do this feeling justice, I doubt anything expressed in words ever could.

Q&A this week

2010-08-07T22:17:00.001+09:30

Do you ever wish for a good spanking just because?

Definitely! I sometimes lie in bed, flat on my stomach, just thinking about it. (I especially love it when Master uses His cane)

Is being a slave your biggest secret, or is it one of many things to hide?

I would say it is my biggest secret; there is nothing else I feel such a need to hide. There are some things I tend not to tell people, not unless I know them very well, but that's more because I don't feel it's everyone's business to know rather than because I need to keep that a secret to protect myself.

That said, I have begun to tell some of my close friends about my relationship with Master. I let things out gradually and tell people different aspects depending on what I think they'd accept. Only two people so far know about all of it - including the M/s dynamic. It is a difficult one for people to understand after all. I think as time goes by I will be able to open up a bit more, but I'm never going to tell everyone.

I still have my degree to finish and one day I would like a career and a family and so I do not want to be "outed" and jeopardise any of this.

I was just thinking...

2010-08-04T19:19:00.002+09:30

At our next play party, Master is planning to lend me out to a Domme friend of His. I'm very excited as this is going to be my first real play session with someone else! She and I have emailed one another a bit to talk about what we'd be comfortable doing and so on and Master also sent Her a very long email detailing things like my hard limits, my training, my headspaces and so on.

I'm always up for trying new forms of objectification and this email reminded me of an instruction manual you might get with a new toy. I think I'd rather like one of those, a booklet on how to play with me which could be given to whoever Master lends me to. It would have chapters like "Dos and Don'ts", "Aftercare", "Handy Hints", "Things to look out for", "What do I do if...".

In fact, as well as it being kind of cool and doll-like, it could be a bit of safety thing. Rather than needing to re-explain things like my limits and how to get me out of a bad headspace, Master can just hand over my instruction manual with all the information neatly written and indexed.

(I love it when fetishes and stationary coincide, don't you?)

Naming a Kitten - Master

2010-08-03T11:56:00.001+09:30

One of the hardest parts of getting a kitten, is naming it! A cat's name sums up its appearance, history, and personality, as chosen by its owner. So far I've been calling slave 'kitty' when we do pet-play, and that gets a reaction, but, slave has asked for a name, and she has requested that I don't run any by her or involve her in the desicion making at all, so, I guess it's a pretty serious decision to make.

I know of 2 people's pet names; Tenshi, is the puppy name of a girl in the Adelaide scene, and Ariadne, the horse name of a woman in the uk whose blog we both read. These are pretty out there names, i don't think "Garfield" or "Pus Pus" is going to cut it!

I put my mind to the task of naming her. Slave actually supplied me with a book "Choosing cat names", which her mother had purchased after her family were in a similar quandary. I read the book, it had some interesting names, and I made a shortlist, and then a preliminary choice; Ganymede, which could be shrunk to "Gany". Ganymede comes from greek mythology, he was the most attractive human, and was abducted by Zeus to become a cup-bearer to the gods. I kinda like the symbolism here; I took her away from her humanity to serve me, she kneels before me holding my cup (we love fornaphilia), she's attractive, I'm god... it all works. It even continues my families unfortunate reputation for naming cats with names not suited for their gender (ie my cats as a child were a male called Missy, and a female called Rupert), and, as I build up my collection of slaves, I could name them after the other moons of Jupiter ;)

But I decided against this one. Wrong gender, doesn't sound attractive, and I thought I could do better. Other names I considered were buttons, chocolate, lolita, Sisyphus, clytie, bast, Yin, gibb, and grisel.

I decided on a new name: Echo. It has many references that I think reflect both who slave is, and who kitty is:

In Greek Mythology, Echo was a nymph who lived in the mountains and loved the sound of her own voice... This has kitty/slave written all over it: hiding in high places, sexually attractive young woman, and can meow like you'd never believe.
It's a letter of the NATO phonetic alphabet... reducing slave's identity down to a 'single letter' is akin to the simplification of her identity, it's very "story of O".
In Marvel Comics, Echo is a hot young girl, dressed in a black catsuit (just like kitty). She has uncanny gymnastic ability, making her as "graceful as a cat"
In Josh Whedon's DollHouse (one of my all-time favourite TV serieses), Echo is the main character; a hot sexy, generally dressed-in-black woman. She has her memories wiped and re-programmed to take on different persona, as ordered by high-paying clients. Wiping the mind of an intelligent young girl... that's kitty all over.
Switch to computing; Echo is the simplest of the command line programs and tools that ship with Microsoft DOS/Windows (coming in at 4 lines of source code, and 192 bytes of executable size). Kitty play is about being as simple as possible in a complicated world.
Echo was NASA's answer to Sputnik; it was basically a 40m-diameter mirror-ball put 2 thousands K's up in orbit in the 1960's... It was the only functioning communication satellite without any electronics; I'm drawing a parallel to kitten play; Fully functional body; not much happening upstairs. Same as the computer program example... something ridiculously simple in a complicated setting.
The physical phenomenon of an Echo has slave written all over it. I say, she does. She is nothing without my instructions. She also meows twice when she wants play ;)

And that's my new name for kitty. Echo

Master

Before I had my collar - part 2

2010-08-02T20:42:00.001+09:30

Master and I didn't have anything to do with the BDSM community before we knew each other, online or in RL, and we really knew very little about the lifestyle. Our dynamic came from us.

One night we had a fight. No, not really a fight, I suppose; there was no yelling or throwing plates or anything like that. But some things got said, and some feelings got bruised. When we were talking about it later that night (after a failed play session) I got a bit teary and Master tried to reassure me.

I'm an odd sort of person (well, this blog is probably proof of that) and I actually have a very low threshold for compliments, too many make me feel... I don't know, guilty. So Master's attempts to make me feel better by telling me how wonderful I was didn't end up helping. I got more teary which made Him want to reassure me more, but eventually I got my breath back and managed to sniffle "Thank you... but can you please stop saying nice things?"

He laughed and, just like that, all the tension was gone. Then He said, somewhat jokingly, "Okay. Shut up, bitch." and I hugged Him tight. So He tried again and with each degrading thing He said, I hugged Him tighter. It soon evolved into a play session, and a really good one. The word 'catharsis' comes to mind. We barely used any toys or restraints, it was basically just pure energy and after that nothing seemed to be able to wipe the smiles from our faces.

From that point on, without any formal announcement, we both come to accept our roles. He'd never been a master before, just like I'd never been a slave, but it's happened so naturally and I've never been happier.

Discovering this new relationship dynamic made us curious; both of us started to do research online and found that we were not alone. We learnt about things like names, titles, protocol, contracts, collaring and all the other stuff that most people probably learn before getting into a relationship.

So our basic dynamic we formed ourselves and gradually added to it, taking elements we liked from other couples we read about online. We've continued to develop it since entering the local scene - the scene being a whole new adventure in itself.

I think that brings us up to about now, I hope this has answered your question.

My first pet play

2010-08-01T23:53:00.001+09:30

I wouldn't have thought I was into pet play before. Had I known the names of various fetishes years ago I could have definitely told you I was into bondage, power play and humiliation play. So I suppose I would have happily engaged in various aspects of pet play as an exercise in humiliation or power play. Things like crawling, eating off the floor and being lead around on a leash would have had an appeal all on their own. (And still do!)

Master and I had tried a few of these things on their own and I loved them. One thing in particular got me thinking a little differently. A few times when we'd been in bed Master had told me to curl up around His feet like a cat. I really loved it, I always love a chance to be at Master's feet, but somehow this had an extra appeal.

I told Him where my mind was going, that I was curious about being His kitten. I think He was a bit surprised - we'd never even talked about pet play much before - but willing to try it out. (Willing enough to buy me some paws, even)

The very first play was quite short. I had expected a few moments by myself to relax, get used to walking on all fours and things like that, but Master was keen to get into things and we just went straight into play. Usually I don't need much time to get into a good headspace for play, Master initiating a scene is enough to send me into that very submissive state. But I suppose cats aren't all that submissive, so the usual approach wasn't going to work so well. After a few minutes of trying to get my mind right and failing, we had to stop.

We took a break and went back into the scene much more calmly than the first time. Since then we've played twice more and it has been so much fun! Unfortunately we've had to do short scenes (about half an hour or so) and so when it's come time for Master to bring me back, I haven't really wanted to come.

I was surprised to see how my mind changed as a kitten. I didn't really notice the change until I was "back" because I think it becomes more intense the longer we play. The more I'm treated like a cat, the more cat-like my mind becomes. My human self is still there and aware of what's going on, but it's kind of pushed to the side.

I was kind of nervous about trying kitty play, it's so unlike anything we've done before and I wasn't sure how it was going to go. But I love it!

I've decided that kitten space is like the opposite of meditation. In meditation you simplify your mind, get rid of all distractions and focus on your spirit, you become deeper. Whereas in cat-space you become far more shallow, you still simplify your mind but rather than getting rid of distractions, you embrace them. You don't need to think any more deeply than "This is fun" or "This is boring".

I like a lot of my spaces, I seem to have a growing collection of them and many are very enjoyable. I love the peacefulness of object space and all the pretty colours in deep subspace. But I think kitten space is the first one where I'm genuinely happy. I don't mean that I'm unhappy in my other spaces but kitten space allows me to be happy in that kind of innocent and playful meaning of the word. It's a wonderful escape from all those human worries that send my stomach into knots. As a cat I only worry about now; "Am I having fun now? No? Then I'm going to do something else."

PS: I'll be posting 'Part 2' of that last post very soon!

Before I had my collar - part 1

2010-07-30T23:58:00.002+09:30

How long were you actively involved in your relationship before you started this blog?

I had been actively involved for about 7 or 8 months.

What was your training progression from basic bondage play to present?

Master might be able to answer better what my training progression has been, but this is a timeline of sorts, to show how I got to this point.

When we first started to see each other and indulge in some bondage play, Master had expected we would switch with one another. Having spent my whole life basically waiting for a chance to submit to someone I was actually a little taken aback by this. Firstly, I'd never heard of switching until I met Master, I had assumed (or would have assumed if I'd known how to put it into words) that you were either a sub or a Dom, the idea of switching never occurred to me. Secondly, I had resigned myself to the idea already that I would probably never meet someone willing to dominate me and that was just a fantasy I'd have to live with being unfulfilled.

So I was over the moon when He suggested tying me to the bed; the idea that this was even possible was, to be really cliche, a dream come true. When He told me that He wanted me to be the dominant one sometimes, I think my heart sank a little; all I wanted was to be submissive and I hadn't even had a chance to revel in that or get used to it.

But I was willing to give it a go because I could see that was what He wanted. I really did try, but I didn't know what to do and felt very uncomfortable. Eventually we had to give up.

From there it became kind of standard that when we played, I was going to be the one tied up. But our relationship was still pretty vanilla, some of the power play extended beyond the bedroom but really very little.

Becoming a slave was not something I would have ever expected, in fact the concept of slavery in the lifestyle was not something I was even aware of. M/s was something that happened to us rather than something we had planned.

In retrospect, I can pin-point where the dynamic changed, although I didn't realise it at the time.

To be continued...

Poker night

2010-07-28T10:21:00.005+09:30

Master and I went to a D/s poker night the other night; Doms and Dommes playing poker while their subs served food and drinks. It was nothing very formal but lots and lots of fun!

There were 14 players in total and a collection of subs waiting on them. Since in most cases it was the Dom who decided what their sub would wear, none of us were exactly dressed for winter weather. In the poker room this was fine because it was so well heated, but that kitchen was freezing!

At the start of the night the players worked out which rules they'd be playing by, how to arrange the seats... and whatever else gets talked about before a poker night, while the subs were in the kitchen getting food and drinks organised.

I had a lot of fun in that kitchen. I loved being in a group of subs and chatting and sharing jokes. Of course I love doing that in a mixed group too, but there's something about having that one fundamental thing in common that makes the conversation unique. It's a bit like being in a group of just girls; you can talk about things you wouldn't talk about with everyone present and can share jokes that you need that common ground to appreciate.

I spent most of the night kneeling beside Master, ducking into the kitchen whenever He wanted another drink. As the game wore down to just a few players, the rest of the group (subs and Doms) ended up chatting in small groups around the room. For this part of the night I got to be on my leash, but sat on a chair next to Master for most of it.

One thing that I'm still getting used to in kink events is how frankly people talk about things and how openly they look. (Not that I mind, I think the exhibitionist inside me loves the attention) Master undid my top a few times over the night and no one pretended not to look - then later would talk about it in front of me as if I wasn't there. (Again, I don't mind this at all, I'm a great fan of objectification too) It's certainly a different set of social norms from usual day-to-day life.

I had such a great night. We didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but I think what made it so special was the feeling of acceptance it gave me. It was wonderful to see these other D/s couples with similar dynamics to our own and to be welcomed as one of them. It was wonderful to be in a group of subs sharing stories we couldn't tell our vanilla friends.

I hope we get to go to lots more of these kinds of events; a normal kind of social gathering like a cards night or dinner party where protocol is still accepted. I feel like I'm really a part of the community now, having met people and talked to them openly and often - without all the distractions of a play party. I feel so lucky to be a part of this.

How far?

2010-07-23T10:57:00.000+09:30

You say you aren't in a TPE as of yet? Are you planning on entering into one with your Master, and if so, are you willing to give up all aspects of your life to serve Him? (ie. finances, job...)

Master wrote a proposed contract a little while ago. It's not one that we live by now, but more a guideline for what we would do if we were living together. This is an excerpt from the contract, the rules I would have to live by:

"I'm allowed to develop myself in the world
a. I may have outside of my service
i. Job(s) and Career
ii. Education
iii. Youth group(s), club(s), etc.
b. My participation in these external commitments is by Your will.
i. I can petition You for changes.
ii. You have the final say in these commitments.
c. My performance in the outside world is a reflection on You. I will be the best worker, the most intelligent student, etc as I can be.
d. I may have my own money and, unless specified otherwise, can spend it or save it without censure.
i. While I have an income I will pay half of rent and bills, as an equal tenant with You.
ii. Other household expenses (furniture, shopping, repairs, etc) will be shared between us at Your discretion.
e. I may keep my own possessions (clothing, car, etc.) which will remain as mine in the unlikely event of termination, but You may treat as Your own.
f. You will have all usernames and passwords to my online activities, and the PIN to my bank account. "

I quite like this contract, Master was very specific in writing it and made sure to cover all those slightly iffy topics so there couldn't be too much confusion about what to do at any given time.

It's an odd thing, but I'm rather attached to my job. Odd because it's not a "real job" but just one I'm doing until I finish my study. I really love the people I work with and I find physical labour to be refreshingly straightforward after hours spent deciphering philosophical motivations and writing essays on the different interpretations of particular words. I would find gut-wrenchingly difficult to give this job up.

Part of the reason I've take so long to answer this question is that I'm still not quite sure of the answer myself. It would be very easy for me to hide behind the answer that Master does not want me to give up my job or outside life; He wants a happy and fulfilled slave, one who reflects well on Him to the rest of the world. But in all honesty, I don't know how much I am willing to give up for Him.

Certainly, I would allow Him full access to my finances (as stated in the contract excerpt) in a kind of 'what's mine is yours' arrangement. I would allow Master to dictate many of the terms of my job too such as what hours I will work, where I should apply, which position I should accept and so on. Beyond this, I'm not sure what to say. I don't think I'll ever be completely sure of the answer until the situation arises.

Before I get onto some more long-winded Q&A...

2010-07-22T11:17:00.000+09:30

What is the perfect size for a mans cock to be to satisfy you?

It's a funny thing, I'm always so careful about checking the tags on clothes I'm thinking of buying to make sure they'll be the right size and the same with shoes. I never go to dressing room without knowing the size I've picked out. But for some reason I always forget to check the tags on penises.

do u kiss his ass?
I'm not sure if you mean that figuratively or literally, but the answer to both is 'no'.

Poll results

2010-07-22T11:06:00.000+09:30

So, according to my poll, my readers are:

41% Subs

26% Doms

20% Switches

8% Vanilla but curious

2% Totally vanilla

I did the survey mostly because I was curious to see who was reading. The funny thing is that when I started blogging, I hadn't really expected my blog to be picked up much by the kink community. It also surprises me to see so many Dom(me)s read the blog.

Anyway, thank you for doing the poll and for reading the blog. I'm surprised to have lasted so long!

Positive and negative liberty in D/s

2010-07-06T23:19:00.000+09:30

The distinction between positive and negative liberty was something I'd never heard of until I started uni. Now it seems to be the basis for everything we do. It gets a little difficult to determine exactly what the difference is at times and they do tend to cross over. But basically negative freedom is the freedom from constraints, whereas positive freedom means being empowered to do things you might not otherwise be able do.

So a society based on negative freedom is one with a minimal state; the government exists to protect the free market and to make sure no one actively impedes upon anyone else's freedom, but does not intervene much in its citizens lives.

A society based on positive freedom has a state which intervenes almost constantly in its citizens' lives. Rousseau's 'Social Contract' outlined a society like this in which its citizens could be "forced to be free", Hegel defined true freedom as "loyalty to the state".

From the outset, it might sound like negative freedom is the best one because it allows you to do almost whatever you like but, under the right conditions, many philosophers tend to rule in favour of positive freedom.

There are very few states which base themselves entirely on one or the other and many things we take for granted in the West such as public schooling, free health care, soup kitchens, homeless shelters and, in some places at least, compulsory voting are all examples of positive freedom.

In Australia you cannot leave school before you turn 16 and this is, when you think about it, taking away your freedom to do whatever you like on Mondays to Fridays every week until you reach that age. However, as much as you may dislike school while you're in it, it serves you well in the future. Without an education you are unlikely to get a good job or to advance yourself much in society at all. By being forced to do something you don't like, you have actually been given more freedom.

This is sort of how I see D/s. By giving up my negative freedom to Master, I have become empowered. I might not have the motivation to improve myself in the areas I see lacking but if Master sees that I need to change something, He makes sure I do.

He wrote this recently in a discussion on Fetlife:
"Does a master's wants eclipse a slave's needs? A good answer is no.

It makes things safer, draws a wide line between BDSM and domestic violence and anything to separate those two is a good thing.

In my opinion; I believe the opposite: A Master's wants should eclipse a slave's needs. That said however, what do I want as slave's Master? I want her to be happy, healthy, and enjoy serving me. I want her to succeed in her study and enter the workforce in a job that will satisfy her and where she can excel, and will make me proud to own such an intelligent young woman. I want her to remain active in the community, I want her to stay in her youth groups and grow to lead them, do her volunteer work, further her religious exploration and find her own truths. I want her to love me, not fear me, I want her to trust me completely. I want her to confide in me her every secret, her every sin, her every insecurity, and her every failure, and not worry of being judged or punished. I want her to have the physical ability to safely runaway at any time but CHOOSE to remain as my slave because that's what makes her happy. I want her to crawl into bed in my arms at night and feel complete in her Masters embrace. I want her to see the world freely and then choose to return to her place kneeling in front of me. I want her motivation to be to make me happy, not fear making me unhappy. I want to own the best woman I can, and I'm not going to achieve that through an iron fist rule of fear and beating her into submission because of minor screwups ie dinner was overcooked. (I've overcooked dinner when I've cooked, do I get welts on my leg for it?)

She's the most important thing I own, my most valued possession, and I'm not going to willingly destroy something I own.

I think Master should want to take better care of slave then the minimum she needs."

I think that just encapsulates the idea of positive liberty so beautifully. It's such a pity I can't show it to any of my lecturers.

Berlin (the writer, not the city) wrote quite extensively on the subject and came to the conclusion (more or less, he was not always a particularly clear writer) that positive liberty was the better one, but it should not exist without a certain degree of negative liberty. Negative liberty was the safer one and therefore the one to aim for first. I agree with him in this sense, I think that to really be free you need to be free in the positive and negative sense - one does very little good without the other. I also understand why he calls negative liberty the safer one; a society based on positive liberty can be too easily manipulated. To use a somewhat cliched example; socialism is a society of positive freedom over negative - but citizens of the Communist Bloc ended up having neither.

D/s is an excellent example of the two forms of freedom and a good example of the merits in both. To an outsider it may seem that the Dom gets the better deal out of things, but if you analyse closely I think you could argue that it's the sub who gets the most out of the arrangement.

The Dom is negative freedom embodied. He or She can do whatever They like and whenever They like. They have a person who is absolutely devoted to Them, will do whatever They say and is happy to serve Them however They like. Who wouldn't want that, right?

The sub is the embodiment of positive freedom, he or she must do what they are told and are no longer in charge of their own lives. But the person they have given control to wants the very best for them. They are given the freedom to simply live their life rather than have to think about living it. Haven't you ever longed for someone to look at your life, the issues you may have, and tell you with unclouded and unbiased sincerity exactly what you need to do? Whenever we try to untangle our own knots (pardon my pun) we tend to get lost because we're in the middle of them, whereas someone looking from the outside can see all the problems from a reasonable distance and solve them more easily.

The argument often made against negative liberty is that it appeals only to our most basic wants and desires and we have to work far harder to see past them. By giving over control to Master, I have allowed Him to see past my basic whims and see what is best for me.

I had assumed for quite a long time that I liked the idea of submission because it just seemed so sexy for someone else to be giving me orders all the time, but I think it's actually what I really need in life. I'm a terrible self-motivator, I know that if I ran my own business from home it would fail miserably because I could never be hard enough on myself. I need someone telling me what to do. I need clear directions and deadlines and I need discipline from a outside source because goodness knows I can't provide it for myself.

From whatever way I look at it, even a purely academic analysis, I need to be controlled to be free.

The saga continues

2010-06-30T20:41:00.000+09:30

I had been in a wonderful mood when I got home today. After meeting with my Protector and discussing... well, everything, but specifically the worries about us in the community, I felt I understood it all much better. Not only that, but it looked like things were going to be okay now and we could continue being a part of the community which we so wanted to be accepted by.

I got home and found this in my formspring:
Your Masters last post is totally arrogant and unfairly portrays the Adeliade scene. Do you agree with his views?

I think that's sort of a rhetorical question, isn't it? Did you really expect me to say that I disagree with my Master? My answer would be that you can't unfairly portray something by simply saying what happened.

If you feel the scene has been unfairly portrayed then I'm very sorry, that was not our intention. Rather, we both want very much to be in this scene and to be accepted by it and that was why it hurt so much to hear that we were being met with a certain... mistrust (for want of a better word). Most people have been very supportive and welcoming and that's been wonderful.

There are some people within the scene though, who we found out have been talking about us and wondering whether we were playing safely or not. I personally think it's wonderful that the older members of the scene are so concerned for newcomers like us and that they have taken the time to observe our play and consider how safe it is. That is one of the best things about having a community; it means having a support network who all look after one anther.

But only one of the people with genuine concerns had come to us directly. While it's good to be concerned for someone's safety, not telling them your concerns is really going to do quite little to change their habits. This, again, is not the whole community, just a few people. Because Master and I only knew vaguely that people where concerned and not what they were concerned about, we didn't quite know what to do about it. More than anything, it was the overwhelming uncertainty of it all that had us so upset.

I don't like being rude, and I hope this post hasn't come across as such. I know how the tone of something can so easily be misinterpreted in writing and I only hope that was what happened when you read Master's last post because neither one of us wanted to disparage the scene.

PS: I have another question which has been sitting in my formspring for a while, don't worry, I haven't forgotten you but I'm still working out my answer.

Protocol Shock - Master

2010-06-25T11:14:00.000+09:30

I can track my path from puberty to slave owner in the following order: Vanilla Softcore porn (ie pinup of slightly nude girl) BD Porn (ie hogtied.com), getting a catholic sex education (contradiction there lol), vanilla sex, slightly-kinky-but-still-vanilla sex, very kinky sex (switching), getting a very submissive girlfriend and experimenting with full-time dominance, research into D/s (ie google "Collaring") including Blogs, experimentation with collared slave, then joining Fetlife, and then finally attending play parties and munches.

It's been a long journey, taking approx 10 years from "ooh hey nipples" to playing in public. The point of tracking that journey is to point out that experimentation and internet is where all my knowledge came from, rather than from a community.

There are 3 blogs I regularly read. One is of course this one, my own slave's, where I occasionally contribute, another is a slave woman in the United States with a lot more experience, she speaks in third person and is very high protocol, and another is a younger slave in Melbourne, who started blogging I think the same week as slave.

Both these blogs have helped set up our expectations of D/s play, and in a way, public bdsm play. Slaves on a leash, walking 2 paces behind on the left. Slave thinks of master before self. Slave kneels at masters feet. Posistions, Mantras, etc. No safeword as communication between the 2 is that good. slave refers to me as "Sir", I refer to slave as 'slave', or whatever else I feel like calling my little slut. This is what I assumed was normal behaviour for a Master/slave couple. I taught slave to 'heel' while walking on a leash (walk head down, on my left, 1-2 paces behind me), I taught her a kneeling position I called her default position, which she supposed to go to while at my feet. Legs slightly spread, hands behind back, head looking up exposing nipples and neck. She refers to me as sir all the time, even in random sms messages. I referred to slave in even my own thoughts as 'slave', only using her real name or 2nd person when in vanilla company.

Imagine how shocked I was at our first real play party, when slave was the only person out of 150 participants on a leash. Sitting on the couches in the corner chatting, no other subs knelt at their Dom's feet, they sat on couches at the same level and interacted as equals. All our practiced interactions we thought were 'normal' were in fact, at least in the South Australian scene, apparently unique to us. While I did not expect to see 75 Master/slave pairs, nobody else out there had gone the direction we had. No other dom used their slave as a footstool... that's one of slaves favourite meditations. Out of 3 gatherings with over 100 people each, we've only seen one other couple use a leash (and only for a few minutes), and 2 subs kneel before their masters/mistress's feet. I expected variation, of course as bdsm is such a broad subject, but I did not suspect that us noobs would be the ones showing the highest protocol.

Reactions to our dynamic were mixed from "wow I love your old school style" and "can we catch up and talk about your dynamic double date style", to speculations of domestic violence.

2 people in the scene close to our hearts had informed us that there had been discussion on our interactions, especially after the last party where slave had basically collapsed after a light play session... unfortunately both informers were unable to provide detail, so, me and slave had a brainstorm about what other people could be thinking, and how we'd deal wth it. We decided first step was to write ourselves journal posts on fetlife explaining ourselves, we were defending against a wide range of possible accusations. Our biggest fear was that people thought I was abusing slave, or that I was pushing her too far, or that I was rushing her into bdsm.

Being a new Dom in a scene, who's *relatively* young, but has been doing BD for 7 years, with a collared slave who gets off to exhibitionism and public submission, I'm in a very tough situation. We want to play right away cause the opportunities are sparse, but I can't say I've already learnt enough to start because I come across as being arrogant cause I'm young (technicly we're both just under the minimum age of 25, but an exception was made for us as experienced member was willing to garentour for us), I also can't be humble and say I don't know what I'm doing because, we both want to play, and I'll appear dangerous and risky for playing in my first few parties, and both of these were potentional accusations we were trying to defend ourself against. "Just be yourself" is the obvious consolation to this conundrum, and we recieved this a few times, but ir contains no actual useful advice.

We posted our generic rebutals, and got an extremely large amount of comments, some from people we didn't even know. Allmost all were completely positive. In mine; I'd broken down some of my more questionable behaviour into motivations, assumptions, and insecurities, and I think I impressed some people with that blunt honesty. There was only one comment that wasn't clearly supportive; The organiser of the play party, a Gorean Master, told me to ask a question, and listen to the answer... a bit cryptic, but a supportive tone I suppose. I've drafted a few questions to him but haven't settled on one yet.

We're both unsure of what our situation within the scene is at the moment. Are we welcome probationary members? Are we one public-subdrop away from expulsion? Does the lead/collar play offend someone? Are people looking at us and going "No, you're mid-twenties, you're too young for this!", or are they looking at us seeing the future of the scene? Neither of us know; slave's quite worried about it. I'm a little concerned, I don't know what to be worried about, so I can't be too worried.

The next play party I will be attending, but slave will be in Melbourne visiting her family. With slave encouraging me like the awesome wingman she is; I asked a sub friend I made in the scene if she'd like to play with me at this upcomming party, she said yes. I wonder what kind of judgement people will be making on this play... she is more into S/m play (pain) then slaves D/s (dominance), so I wonder how this will be taken... . It's also an opportunity to me to try out some of my more "painful" toys again, that are beyond slaves pain tolerance.

Slave will be meeting one of the senior Doms in the scene for "coffee and chat" in town on Wednesday. I find it amazing that most people contact slave first over me, we're both a bit shy anyway, but surely you talk to the one holding the leash??? It seems like such a contradiction for a community leader to do this that I feel like the opening question he's going to ask is "Is he abusing you, it's ok you can tell me?". The alternative is that D/s is the least understood of the 3 dynamics (BD, D/s, and S/m), and our efforts to try to be high-protocol are not acknowledged or understood by even the most experienced in the wider community.

If possible, we're going to remain at least medium-protocol in the scene, when I suggested to slave that it's possible the lead and collar is offending people, tears almost came to her eyes at the thought of having to hide that part of her, so I think we'll be keeping that ;)

We'll hopefully know more on Wednesday, we were supposed to be taking a sub friend out for coffee today, but she canceled at the last minute, leaving us with nothing to do but play... we did basically 4 straight hours of Dominance/submission play... stopping only for aftercare and, hugs and cuddles, or huggles as I accidentaly spoonerised it.

We ended the night by debating whether using orgasm on command would qualify as a way to beat the current world record of 134 orgasms in an hour... she's not quite orgasming solely on command yet, but damn close, and using the partitial training I reackon I could make slave do 134 in 5 minutes from nipples only (we'd save the genitals for the last 100 orgasms in the final last minute sprint ;) )

Exams are over now, so slave'll be back posting in no time ;)

Master

Epiphany

2010-06-21T22:07:00.000+09:30

I went to a dance festival the other day and had a sudden flash of realisation. When I was growing up I went to lots of different dancing things; folk dance, ballet, latin... all kinds. I saw formal performances and casual, spur of the moment expressions of movement. Anyway, I saw it a lot. Up until now, I had always assumed that the dance was all about the girl. After all, she was the one in the pretty dress and all the action seemed to revolve around her. She was the one who captured the audience's attention and held it with her every movement.

My epiphany was that, actually, it's all about the boy. The girl is still the centre of the action and the story, but it is all about him. He is the once who chases, the one who woos, the one who wins the prize. In dance, women are the object in a far more overt way than we would care to admit.

I had also assumed that the girl was the one in control. She's not. The obvious indication of this is that it's the man who leads in any couple dance, but even in folk dances where there is no leading and following, the boy is still in control.

Each dance is quite a simple story; there is a girl and a boy, the boy pursues and she withdraws - teasingly, never enough to put him off entirely - and the dance concludes when he either wins or loses. But even her teasing, supposedly a show of her power, is for him and for his benefit. He wants her to tease so that his pursuit is worthwhile; if it were all too easy then where would be the fun in that? He wants to know that he has achieved something by the end.

When the dance ends, she is his. But she always was, wasn't she? By bothering to go through the steps with him and reenact the old ritual, she has already marked him as being worth her while and, in an odd kind of way, she has already given him a part of herself.

I think I might be rambling here, but these are the thoughts that have been going around in my head recently.

From my formspring

2010-06-18T10:14:00.000+09:30

Wow, I've never seen a collar with "Hit Me" on it before? I've only seen things like slave, slut, etc? Where did you get it?

Master bought it online and had it personalised with 'Hit me'. I'm not sure which website He got it from though. (Maybe He'll post an answer for you soon...)

I love to do fun kinky performances for men and women.

Good for you.

What was the cattle prod incident?

This is a difficult one for me to answer because it's a bit of a sore topic. I think I will have to answer this one day, but it's so hard to write about. I don't want to understate it but I also don't want you to think badly of Master because I've exaggerated it. In the meantime, I think I'll just have to say that it was a play session that went too far.

Subspace

2010-06-16T17:55:00.000+09:30

How does one enter subspace?
Subspace, for me at least, tends to just happen. I can't make myself go there or stop myself going there - although I do know things which help me or don't help me get there.

Some people can get into subspace very easily, others rarely get there at all. But generally subspace happens during very intense scenes where the sub just lets their mind float away.

What is subspace?
There are a couple of ways I could answer this, but I think I'll go with the scientific response first. Subspace is actually a defense mechanism of your brain. You know how victims or witnesses of abuse or violence often don't remember exactly what happened? This is the same kind of thing; to prevent trauma, your brain simply shuts out things it cannot handle.

A lot of BDSM scenes, however much we may enjoy them, are a form of torture. That sounds harsh, I know, but you are getting repeatedly beaten or degraded and it hurts. It's not a form of social interaction we're used to and all that pain starts to overwhelm your body and mind. Eventually, the brain can't handle it anymore and needs an out. The out is an alternate headspace, not unlike a high, that the mind can escape to until the worst is over.

This is part of the reason it's so important to give good aftercare after a scene, to allow the sub to return to reality in a comfortable and completely non-threatening way.

The major difference between BDSM and torture is, of course, consent. As well as that, there is generally an element of pleasure and enjoyment too. It's not a bad thing to enter subspace, the reason it exists is an evolutionary one to prevent mental damage. It is also does not mean that a scene is too rough; our bodies have safety mechanisms which often kick in well before we need them.

is it possible anyone to enter subspace?
Yes, I think so. Given that it's a built in defense mechanism of everyone's brain, it should exist for anyone. Although I think the best way in is to be not be too aware of it, I had plenty of trips to subspace before I even knew what it was and I think it was easier then because I wasn't trying to force it upon myself.

Despite what I've said about it being a result of torture, subspace is actually a beautiful thing. It brings you and your Dom so close and you sometimes feel those happy, floaty effects for days at a time.

Everyone has different triggers for it and when you find yours it will be an amazing experience.

Play party number 2

2010-06-14T20:31:00.000+09:30

I was looking forward to this party like crazy. I had promised myself I would get all my uni work done before we went, both as motivation and so it wouldn't be hanging over my head. I got it all done and handed up (which felt amazing!) and spent a fair portion of the day preparing for my night out.

The trouble was that after such a stressful week, as soon as I stopped worrying I suddenly realised how exhausted I was. So it turned out I wasn't up to much play, but we gave it a go.

The second time we happened to be near a couple who were playing with a violet wand and, because I wasn’t blindfolded, I could see everything they were doing. Off to the side I could also hear some very intense stock-whipping going on. I found both of these really hard to deal with; the stock whip because of how loud it was and how much the sub cried out after each hit, and the violet wand because it reminded me of the cattle prod.

That cattle prod incident seems to have messed me up much more than I expected, I find electrical play in general makes me quite uncomfortable now, especially things that spark.

Master and I had barely started playing but I was so tired and was getting increasingly… uncomfortable with all the sights and sounds around me and I just felt too overwhelmed to continue. Master noticed something was up and untied me. I felt really bad because I knew He had been looking forward to a good play session, but He kept telling me not to worry each time I’d say “I’m sorry”.

He helped me to my feet and started to lead me toward the room off to the side of the play area where our bags (and my aftercare blanket) were. Just before we got to the door, I heard the Tesla Coil start up. I let out a small cry and felt this shudder run through my body, I wanted nothing more than to get away from that horrible thing. When Master and I got inside the bag room I collapsed into a ball on the floor. I could still hear noises from the next room and each giant spark made me whimper and regress.

I’m not sure how long I was out like that – quite a while, I suspect. A friend of ours saw us and helped out with cuddles. She was so lovely and I probably needed all the help I could get. I’m so grateful she came over to help.

We ended up leaving early and I couldn’t wait to get to bed. When I woke up I felt almost hungover and I seemed to be stiff and sore all over. I got better as the day wore on but found it very hard to focus on anything.

I saw Master again that night and He gave me a massage to help with my achy back and He held me and reassured me as I cried out the last of my baggage from the night before. We had one of our most vanilla days in ages. Last night and most of today, Master just looked after me. I’ll never know quite how He does it, but somehow He’s able to make everything better. He’s so good to me and I love Him.

Preparation

2010-06-10T09:29:00.000+09:30

Had I not met Master, I doubt I would have explored the depths of my mind to anything like the extent we have in our play sessions. There is so much I would never have known about myself or what I was capable of - mentally and physically.

There are one or two downsides to all this exploration though. It often means I'm exhausted the next day and don't function as well as I usually do (kind of a problem for work and uni assignments) and I can't really explain to people why I'm so drained of energy - I generally just say I've had too many late nights or something.

As well as the lack energy, it can also be a little scary either when I'm in the space and want to get out or when I look back on it later and realise just what a problem it could have been. I'm very lucky to have a Master who looks after me so well and understands what I need, even when I can't communicate.

With each new space we explore seems to come a new set of safety precautions. As well as all the standard, physical safety nets, Master and I are constantly coming up with mental ones - not such an easy task.

Whenever we play we always have some food on hand for afterwards; some lollies or chocolate biscuits so I can get my energy back and we never rush our aftercare, so those bases are covered. But our most recent adventure has prompted me to make a few things, just in case we ever need them again.

I've made an "emergency" playlist on my ipod and filled a notebook with "emergency quotes" - things Master can use to pull me out of any kind of 'bad' space or even a subdrop. It feels kind of funny to be making a list of Simpsons quotes and know that it might be your saving grace one day.

Masters musing...

2010-06-07T01:53:00.000+09:30

Hey there everyone, Master speaking. Thought I might stick my head up since slaves' is buried in her philosophy and politics essays due tomorrow. I'm wondering whether her readers might be interested in an experience we just had but from my side of the whip:

Exploring the crazy places slave's mind can go during play sessions is basically one of my motivations for holding onto such a title, but what happened earlier tonight took me by surprise.

We had done a few scenes, including a chain & cuff version of a shibari 'torture tie'. (think hogtie, but with the middle point pulled up to the cieling, lifting head, boobs and legs airborne). After some hard riding crop play in this ultra-painful position, she safe-worded (First time in a month), and I stopped, lowered her, untied her, wrapped her in a warm blanket, hugged her and fed her half a packet of "You Love Coles Chocolate Koalas". Nothing strange here at all. We cuddled in bed for half an hour, my mind already thinking of the next evil thing to do to her.

Before starting said evil plan, I thought some form of reward was in order. Despite 'safewording' being by definition safe, I feel it often caries some negative connotations in later play; slave may feel 'chicken' and push harder next time, and I feel like I've failed to understand her situation. With this in mind, I though a little forced orgasm play might get a good mood going.

Slave was wearing 8 cuffs (2 ankle, 2 thigh, 2 elbow, and 2 wrist), plus her play collar still from the torture tie scene, and half the shackles (technically quicklinks) were hanging loose from them. So I attached elbows to wrists behind her back, and ankles to thighs (cross legged). This was just a simple few forced orgasms, nothing major. I had an epic scene planned out in my head for later, this was supposed to be the foreplay, to make her endorphins flow to forget about safewording earlier.

Slave can ALMOST orgasm on command. The gentlest touch on the genitals combined with her command-word is enough to make her cum. I vary the pace... make her hold an orgasm for a while before giving her command, and then give her 3-4 in succession. I was trying to see how quickly I could make her cum in a row, and while I wasn't timing, the musician in me reckons I had her cuming once a second, and with the 'runs' getting longer and longer, maybe 20-30 orgasms a 'run'. I was getting quite excited to see how far I could push this. When she was begging me to stop, I just swapped from G-Spot to clit, or back. Just using my fingers and her command-word, nothing fancy.

She looked like she was in a daze... I was picturing her floating through 'deep subspace', which she describes as swirling hallucinogenic colours. She would still flinch with every commanded orgasm. After a while I noticed that her eyes were open, but not following mine. Which was a little disconcerting.

I have trained slave with a few 'mantras' I suppose you can call them. Call/Response pairs that affirm her role. She will often respond when asleep subconsciously to them. Examples: "Who are you?" "I'm your slave Sir" "What are your worth?" "Nothing Sir" "What will you do for me?" "Anything Sir" "I love you slave." "I love you too sir". I started with "Who are you?" Nothing. No response.

I momentarily contemplated all the off-limit things I could do to her in this deep a space... cattle prod, crank the tens on high, Maybe get the fucking machine on her, lube her up, put it on 250rpm with the thickest dildo I own, etc. Then I decided that she'd had enough, I mentally 'safe-worded' for her, and I rolled her over and undid the quick-links. She didn't fall into the fetal posistion or grab the blanket like she normally does, she just flopped her limbs and lay on her back. Completely motionless, eyes still looking straight up.

I lay next to her and gave her the biggest hug I could. I pulled her on her side towards me. She didn't return the hug. I instructed her to wrap her leg around me. She didn't. I yelled "NOW" to her, and, maybe 5 seconds later, her leg rolled over mine. I asked her again "What will you do for me?" and she started to articulate "en", slowly shook her head, and collapsed into my arms.

We had one experience with object space before (play party). She had trouble speaking, or evening thinking in the first person. The solution was to talk to her like a person. "What's your name?", she shook her head. I had wiped her mind blank. I hugged her, told her I loved her, kissed her, for maybe 15 minutes before she was able to answer "Yours" to "Who are you?". I spelled her name out to her, made her pronounce each letter, but she couldn't form the word. She didn't respond to her first name, or fetlife name, 'slave' resulted in a small twitch. "What's my name?", she paused for ages, eventually said "sir", but it took a lot of effort.

I was hoping she would return to her mind on her own, and cuddled up and set in for the long hual, but after maybe half an hour she was still empty. She built up all her strength to say "sir........ out....... head" Which I interpreted as she couldn't get out of space on her own, and needed my help. I don't know hypnotism, or anything else useful. But I had a thought:

I tried to make her laugh. I tried quoting funny simpsons lines, Dylan moran and black books, I tried funny stories from her childhood that she'd told me, mentioning the made-up words her sister's let her believe were real until she was a teenager. Do you know hard it is to think of Simpsons quotes when someone's life could depend on it? I got some good ralph in there, and I got a result, she started crying.

Then it dawned on me. Alberqueque by Weird Al Yankovic. An upbeat hillarious random 11 minute song with no point that we both know off by heart. I started singing it her while she was crying... I messed up the lyrics about the 2nd verse, and she stopped crying to try and correct me (she couldn't articulate the complex correction, however), and by the third verse she was laughing and soon she was singing with me. She was back, after over half of hour of being brain-dead.

Or so I thought... turns out she was fully aware of basically everything that happened except for a few minutes around when I ceased play. Her mind was working full pace and normally, but her body wouldn't respond to her. Her mind and her body had stopped interacting.

I've heard of this happening in a few different places. Of course you have quadriplegics, but i'm talking temporarily. One is a horror story about when hypnotism is used instead of anaesthetic in surgery, another time I've heard of it was in a guide I read back in my spiritualism days on how to Astral Project; apparently if you screw up something your soul will be just ajar on your body, and you wont be able to move either (The solution is to not freak out, and meditate/go to sleep, and you'll return to your body shortly). A final place I heard of this was in the summery of a shoot on DeviceBondage.com, they tied a girl to a symbian and vibrated her until she passed out. Apparently it took "20 minutes until she responded to her own name".

I wonder whether her soul and body seperated partially. I wonder if her mind shut down motor control because it was over stimulated, or as a last-ditch attempt to prevent psycological damage from torture. I wonder whether the continuous orgasms drained all the glucose from her blood, sending her into hypoglycaemia, or maybe shock. I wonder if she was so pumped with addrenalin that her brain shut down everything other then primitive 'fight or flight' that, she couldn't do, and got stuck in some kind of limbo.

I don't know how many orgasms she had. I read in a FHM magazine that the world record for a girl in an hour is 136... I think she may of beaten that in the mere 15 minutes we were playing, but I didn't count. She got at least 100 in, 1 per second, in runs of 5-30.

So, now we have a 3rd space. I'm thinking of calling it 'stuck space', but I'm not liking the ring to it. It was a little scary and unexpected, especially for something impromptu that was intended basically to lighten the mood, but all ended happy. And, slave now has a very interesting thank-you letter to write to Weird Al Yankovic ;)

Cheers for reading.

Master

Dress ups

2010-05-31T20:22:00.000+09:30

Have your parents met your master?

My mum has. My dad's been living overseas for the past few years, but when he gets back he will meet Master. I've met Master's parents too. But neither set has been told the specific dynamics of our relationship.

What do you and your Dom wear in scenes? Do you dress up?

We're usually just in everyday clothes that gradually get removed. I'll often wear clothes especially for Him, but they're still clothes I can wear in public. Our play sessions tend to start, well, basically as soon as Master picks me up. A few times actual play has started in the car (more humiliation than anything else - no toys because He has to focus at least some attention on the road.) But if not that, then we'll start once inside (or, at least, the dynamic becomes more open and obvious then) so there isn't much time for costume changes.

I have worn a maid's outfit at one point, but that was one I had bought with a costume party in mind and, when Master found out I had one, He insisted on seeing it. We had a scene with me wearing it, but it wasn't a French maid scene - I didn't even do any cleaning.

At play parties, it's sort of expected that you dress the part. So far, I'm loving the dress up aspect and now have a wonderful excuse to buy lots of pretty, lacy things. Master isn't really interested in seeing me in lingerie (probably part of the reason we don't worry about it in our scenes), but at the parties I know it will be well received.

At the parties Master just wears all black. To be honest, I think it would be strange to see Him dressed up with all the leather straps and buckles you might stereotypically expect to see on a Dom because it's just so out of character for Him. More than that, our relationship is not one where sex is... a special occasion; Master can instigate it whenever He likes. It's also sort of integrated into our lives, my overt expressions of submission aren't restricted only to our scenes. So to dress up for them all the time would be almost like separating the elements too much. I like that it's a natural extension of our casual lives.

Our first play party - part 2

2010-05-29T22:15:00.001+09:30

I mentioned that another Dom played with me briefly at the party. Well... there's something of a story behind it.

A few years ago (told you there was a story) I was involved in a short film and met lots of interesting people while I was there. Looking back on it with more experienced eyes, I realised that one of the groups I had talked to there was probably part of the kink scene, so I started looking out for familiar faces at munches and things.

On the introductory night I saw a Dom who looked really familiar and eventually worked up the courage to ask Him if He remember the film. He did! We had a really excellent chat in between demonstrations and safety talks. At the end of the night Master and I approached Him to ask about becoming members of the group (as luck would have it, He was one of the Dungeon Masters there). He was happy for us to join and, because He knew me a little from before, offered to be our mentor. (Or, technically, Master's mentor and my protector)

It's really lovely to know we have someone looking after us in the scene. (Although it means I'm now answerable to two Doms... I can see that getting confusing in the future.)

The first night was very casual and the second night was more of what you'd expect a play party to be like. (Although, in all honesty, I hadn't known quite what I was expecting before we got there)

As well as being on a leash most of the night, for a small portion of it I also had my arms tied behind my back. Funnily enough, I feel much more comfortable being on the leash if my arms are restrained, perhaps because it saves me the worry of what I should be doing with them. Just a little while after Master tied me like this, we stopped to say hello to my Protector.

I don't remember exactly how the conversation started (it didn't really involve me much anyway - except as a subject), the part that stands out in my mind is when I was told to bend over so that my Protector could have a look. The dress I was wearing was very short and I didn't have anything on underneath so there really was no way to protect any modesty I might have had left. I looked quickly to Master to check that it was okay and then bent over when I felt a hand placing a slight pressure on my back.

The next thing I knew I felt something swipe across my bum and I gasped. I must have shifted position a bit because then I felt someone's hand in my hair, pulling my head up so my back was straighter. I think it was Master's hand, but I could be wrong.

There were a few more swipes and a few light taps, here and there and then I was allowed to stand up again. Master and my Protector starting talking about the cane that my Protector had used and He demonstrated a point by sliding the length of it between my legs which made me rise onto my tiptoes in surprise.

I feel kind of embarrassed about it now, and did at the time too, but it was also kind of thrilling. It was my first public play (however brief and impromptu it may have been) and the first time Master has let someone else handle me in any way.

Master has said it won't be the last either.

So lucky

2010-05-28T20:54:00.000+09:30

I've been in a pretty crappy state of mind the last couple of days; I've been stressed and panicked and couldn't seem to face even the simplest of tasks. This has meant, of course, that I've been getting behind in things which is making the stress even worse. I've just had this horrible overriding feeling that I just can't live up to the expectations anyone has of me.

I needed to get out of my own head and to feel controlled so that I could be calm. I told Master what was wrong and He responded with exactly what I needed. We spent all afternoon alternating between play and cuddles and it was that wonderful, intense play that left me no room to think, followed by those happy, cozy cuddles where nothing else matters.

My Master is so very good to me and I'm so very lucky to have Him. For the first time in days I actually have space in my head to think, I'm not scared (or, at least, not as scared) of my assignments or my phone. I was able to just let it all go in those few hours filled with whips and clamps and orgasms and rope and orgasms and cuffs and... did I mention orgasms?

Happy place, happy place. Now I'm just off to find my nipple cream...

Gender equality

2010-05-25T11:30:00.000+09:30

DO you beleive woman are naturally more submisive then men?

No, I don't think that all women are naturally more submissive than all men, or vice versa. I also think there is a difference between being sexually submissive and being generally submissive - some people are both, some are neither, some are a mix.

In terms of general submission, traditionally, we often think of women as being the more submissive. I would see it that women often have different values and different ways of going about things than men. What we might interpret as submission might, in fact, be someone's decision to choose their battles.

Despite all the feminist battles, as a society, we still tend to view life through a male perspective. A lot feminists are guilty of this themselves - we define success as reaching the top of a career ladder, making lots of money or having a big house. We do not see any achievement in having raised a wonderful, loving family. This strikes me as quite sad especially because, by extension, we are saying that a person's job is more important than the person themselves.

So I think, in terms of general submission, we tend to see women as more submissive because they are different. Not all women want to become CEOs, some would much rather put their family first and we view that as an act of weakness or submission. We assume that housewives are oppressed, simply because they are housewives. We assume their husbands are happier and more in control simply because they are breadwinners.

From what I have seen of the world of BDSM (keeping in mind that I am by no means an expert and have only my own limited experience to go on) there do seem to be more female subs than male subs. This could be for a variety of reasons; perhaps women are more comfortable showing their submission, perhaps women are more likely to start out as subs and later become Dommes or switches, perhaps it is even a generational backlash to the feminist movement. There are countless more explanations, I don't think it means that women, as a gender, are the more submissive ones.

Some Q&A

2010-05-24T14:11:00.000+09:30

Did you or your Partner play with anyone else at the party?

Not really. I was played with, quite briefly, by another Dom (more details on that later), but that was all really. We're hoping to venture out as we go to more parties.

how did you open up to Him, tell Him this is what you wanted, or was it He that told you...?

It all started when He asked if He could tie me to the bed. I was very, very excited by the idea, but also cautious because that is also exactly how a bad horror movie could start. So I conceded to some light bondage and it went from there.

Our relationship started out as a pretty vanilla one but with some kinky sex. Somehow, it evolved until we found ourselves as Master and slave. Neither of us knew that was what we wanted before we met each other. But we grew into it together.

It wasn't entirely subconscious either. We always talk about our dynamic, what we're comfortable with and where we think things will go.

How often (if at all) do you and your boyfriend/Master go out on 'vanilla' dates, and otherwise just enjoy each other's company in a vanilla/romantic way? Is there always an element of submission involved?

We don't go out on dates very often at all. But we do go out in public together and behave like a vanilla couple. We tried extending a little bit of protocol into the outside world and found it made things very difficult.

But we're not always having kinky sex together. We spend a lot of time enjoying one another's company. It's not uncommon for us to spend whole days just talking and then look at the clock, find it's dinner time, and wonder what we did all day.

I'm not sure if there's always and element of submission involved or not. I'm a quite a cheeky slave, in any case, and we'll often tease each other mid-scene. So, in normal conversation, the fact that I can make fun of Master is not separate from our M/s interactions. Nor does it show any disrespect for Him, I respect Master totally. But, whether politically or romantically, I don't think anyone should take anyone else's authority without question. I see it as a sign of my high regard for Master that He can hear me tease Him and still maintain His benevolent authority.

I'm sorry if this is sounding confusing - a lot of things I write in this blog I have analysed for the first time when I'm asked to write a post on them. So please let me know if you want me to elaborate more.

But I think what I'm getting at is that, while my submission is ever present, it is not unquestioning submission. We are equals who have chosen to make ourselves unequal and who both love each other dearly - for each other's mind, more than anything else.

More on limits

2010-05-24T13:41:00.001+09:30

I had promised to write about my new limit, which I discovered shortly after writing about my other hard limits. I can't do it. I'm very sorry, I tried writing it out and got to the crucial part and just couldn't write anymore.

You may have noticed in the first post about limits that they were generally practical ones. This one isn't, it is almost entirely psychological. My other limits might scare me (like cutting) but it's a rational sort of fear. My fear of the cattle prod makes me... irrational. Thinking about it messes with my head, actually being confronted with it sends me into a mental foetal position. I stop thinking and basic instincts take over.

---

Are there any things that USED to be hard limits that you do now?

Not really. This is my first non-vanilla relationship and so I didn't work out my limits until we'd been playing for a while. But there are many things we've done that I never would have expected to do.

Do you think any of those limits will change over time?

Possibly. If Master were really, really into anal play then I think I could give Him that. He's not though, so it's not really an issue.

Master would like to get me to a point where the cattle prod is no longer a hard limit, but I think that will take a very long time.

Our first play party - part 1

2010-05-19T22:29:00.000+09:30

Master and I have finally gone to a play party together! We had a wonderful time and met so many wonderful people too. I think I'll have to write about it in a few different posts because there's just so much to say.

(We actually went to two in a row. The first one was an introductory night for new members and the second was a real play party.)

The first night was pretty low protocol for everyone there, it was almost like a munch except we also had various 'how to' and safety talks for all the things available to play with. On the second night we actually got to dress up (which was lots of fun) and for most of the night Master had me on my leash.

Whenever Master was talking to someone, I tended not to be included in the conversation. Even when He was talking to another sub, they would be sitting on couches and I would kneeling at His feet. Questions were never directed to me and whenever either one of them spoke about me, it was like you would talk about someone who wasn't in the room - or something that can't hear you, like a pet. I don't think any of it was intentional, on anyone's part, it just seemed to happen that way.

Without realising it, I was getting deeper and deeper into object space as the night wore on - and we hadn't even played yet!

By the time we did get to do some play, I was in deep enough space that I couldn't talk (although I hadn't quite realised that yet). Master led me over to a cage in the middle of the room, blindfolded me and tied my hands to the top of the cage in such a way that my head was kept bent down as well.

The play was not very intense; it involved the riding crop, flogger, cane and a few forced orgasms. But it had a huge effect on me, I wasn't really thinking while I was in that cage. Normally I'm fairly vocal when I'm being whipped - one reason Master owns so many gags, I think. But there I barely made a sound and I think after a while Master got concerned, stopped the play and asked me how I was going.

I opened my mouth to speak and couldn't. I tried a couple more times and still nothing came out. Eventually I made a kind "Mmmhmm" noise and Master decided it was time to let me out. He led me over to a couch and let me curl up on His lap. The aftercare coaxed me out of object space enough that I could hold a conversation, but I was pretty whacked.

We did try to play again, a bit later in the night, but it was short lived. Seeing how out of it I was, Master decided it was time to go home. We collected our stuff and then it was time to say good-bye to everyone. I found this extremely hard because I had gone back into space and couldn't really talk much. I think a lot of the older members could recognise it for what it was and they weren't too concerned, but some of the other new ones were really confused. I wanted to tell everyone what a great time I'd had, how lovely they'd all been and that I couldn't wait for the next one. But, by this stage, I could no longer say the words 'I' or 'me' and so had to make do with nodding, smiling and Master explaining to them that He'd worn me out. I was very grateful to have Him there.

As we were driving home, Master wanted to know what was up; I was so quiet, He thought maybe something was wrong. But the words just would not come for me to explain. I eventually managed to get out that I needed Him to talk to me about something else - anything else - for a little while and I'd be able to explain soon. He helped me return to normal and then finally I could explain what had been going on in my head.

It was quite a learning curb for us, I never would have expected that something so simple could mess with my head enough that I'd be unable speak. This something we at least know to look out for now, Master especially. We're not sure if I'd be able to safeword in that space, but I suspect I couldn't.

That was the first time I'd been so deep in object space and, talking about it later, we realised that it's probably not as deep as I can go either. I do understand it much better now, though, and Master knows the signs to look for.

I like it. I had an amazing time at the party and was on a high all through the next day. But I'm sort of... nervous as to what would happen if I went in any deeper.

---

I got this in my formspring yesterday:
"I have an object space too, I'm no longer human, and hence I can't safe-word a hard-boundary because an object can't have play limits. I can't complain about anything, I can barely say the word "me" or "I". Is this the object space you're talking about?"

and I think that's an excellent description of object space. I'm so glad to know other people have it too!

Spacial analysis

2010-05-18T21:49:00.001+09:30

So, I was asked ages ago "How does subspace feel for you?" and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply, but I wanted to answer it properly and haven't had the time for such a long post for a while now.

I think I have a few different spaces (much like rose mentioned when she was asked this question). The first one I noticed and later discovered was subspace (and not just me losing concentration when I should have been paying attention) is what I think of as my deep subspace. But each of these that I'm going to mention are, I think, a form of subspace.

Deep subspace is fantastic and has put me off the idea of hallucinogens for life because I know I just wouldn't need them. I basically do trip out when I'm in it - I'm surrounded by crazy, swirling colours exploding and imploding. I see tunnels of light and I feel almost like I'm flying rapidly through them - even though I might be tied to the bed at the time. Often too, I find I can't really remember everything we've done. It's hard to say exactly what the perfect formula is to get me there; some things will work sometimes and not others but it generally happens in our really intense scenes. Things I know that help are humiliation play, the riding crop (when used with lots of small, repetitive taps or strokes - rather than the large swipes used for punishment), the pillory, blindfolds, gags and kneeling. There are probably other things too, but that's what comes to mind first.

There's also slave space, which is the mindset I go into when Master and I are at our highest protocol and you'd have to be blind to miss our M/s dynamic. I'm very obedient, and readily so too, every order from Master is a joy to have and to fulfill. Even something as simple as 'Stand' or 'Kneel' make me smile from the inside at the chance to obey. If you've ever read Ella Enchanted* you'll remember the part where she is ordered to be happy to obey - so she is, that is a brilliant analogy for how I feel in slave space.

Then there's another one which I haven't been able to quite define until recently which I now think of as 'object space'. It's where I go when I'm being objectified or dehumanised in some way, such as when I'm serving as His footstool. My mind goes very quiet, not like in a subdrop where it goes blank, but more like meditation; it's peaceful and warm. Sometimes I will totally loose track of time when I'm in it, I also don't feel pain so much and I'll be quieter in the scene.

I'd never been too deep in object space before but I had an experience in it recently that was quite unexpected and had some... interesting effects. Hard to say whether they were good or bad, just yet. It was also what made me realise what this other head space was that I hadn't yet been able to identify. But that's another post.
---

*That is 'read' not 'seen the movie' because the movie is the most awful adaptation I have ever seen of anything. I don't know how they got away with giving it the same name because it's certainly not the same story.

Hello again

2010-05-18T21:00:00.000+09:30

I'm starting to wonder if putting off writing the blog was the best thing to do; I have so much to catch up on!

As promised, I do have some new pictures to show you. This is our adaption of the original icon for my blog:

Master wanted my elbows touching as He likes the look of it so much, so we had to change the position a little bit too.

I also got a request for a picture of me in some more extreme bondage, so I thought this might be a good one:

Although I don't think I'll make that one my main picture for the blog.

So, I am back and writing again. I still have plenty of assignments to do and the posts I have planned are all a little bit in-depth so I might still take a while between posts. But it's good to be back.

Master interrupts the interlude

2010-05-13T18:38:00.000+09:30

This post is from Master, He send it to me the other day so that my blog wouldn't stagnate too much while I was away.

---

"I read a book the other day, a series in fact… actually that’s a lie, I don’t have time to read my uni case studies, let alone a whole series. I didn’t even watch a movie version of a story, but I did read the Wikipedia summary while being paid overtime by my employer. The series I read (the summary of) was the Gorean series. For those of you who don’t know, Gorean, or Gor, is a fictional society where it’s commonplace for submissive women to be legally slaves, belonging to their husbands as property.

Now, while the books make sure to state that every woman is not a slave, and not all slaves are women; some statistical anomaly allows the supply of attractive female slaves to exceed demand enough to encourage competitive discounting between the various brands of trained slaves... apparently a plot point.

Before I meander into my point, a disclaimer: I’m not sexist! My belief is best person for the best job. If you’re a woman and you’re better at a job then a man then it should be your job, from child-raiser to prime minister. I’m very left wing; believe in equal opportunity for everyone regardless of gender, orientation, race, social status, income, history, etc. With that in mind, consider the following train of thought that's been lingering in my mind:

Since collaring slave, I’ve been much happier then I have been in years. Work’s not getting me down, uni isn’t getting me down. However, work is harder than it was last year, my grades are down compared to last year, and I'm seeing my friends less, the only positive is that I got an amazing gift; my very own slave devoted her life to me.

Interesting Fact: When a Christian is trying to convert a non-Christian to sway towards their way of thinking, their first tactic is usually to tell them of the “Good News”; the short version of which is that there is someone out there (Jesus) who'll die for you. That simple statement is often what moves people into changing religions.

Consider that thought-bomb... by extension, I’m extra special; I’ve got a second person who’s committed their life to me, to serve me, and to die for me. Every time I hear slave say she’ll do anything for me, that she’s worthless without me, or when she kneels before me and kisses my feet, I feel more valuable and loved then I ever have… the same feeling ultra-believing Christians must feel, except I have the added benefit of being able to see, feel, touch, fuck, torture, and otherwise test the resolve of my slave. Strange comparison, I know, D/s to religion, but both slave and I have never been happier.

Stranger still, a quote from the late Pope John Paul 2nd, “The closest thing on this earth to experiencing the joy of God’s love is found in the gift of woman to her man on their wedding night” - Theology Of The Body, 2003. (But paraphrased from the Song Of Solomon, part of the old testament of the bible).

Why is it that in most ancient societies on earth, women were submissive to men? Why is it that the Catholic Church teaches that the woman is a gift to the man? (and almost every other religion shy, say, Wicca?) Why do slave and I both feel complete when she lies at my feet? Maybe all those right wing bigots have a point when they say a woman’s place is in the home, serving her master.

Wow, this is quite a conclusion to reach, I’d never submit this as an essay with my name on it, even anonymously online I’m having second thoughts.

But this 'traditional gender role' does not apply to everyone. I know there are FemDom/malesub couples that feel that D/s completes them emotionally, as well as gay/lesbian/poly/trans/etc. relationships that have a power dynamic as their crowning jewel. Even in the most vanilla relationship someone ‘wears the pants’ and is in charge, just to a less obvious degree.

I've been taught my whole life to believe that men and women are equal and I've approached every romantic and sexual interest in my life with this in mind. We're equal, let's scratch each others back as equals, I'll lick if you suck, etc. Looking at my previous relationship, my ex was quite submissive, I tried to submit at a similar level to her, in some sort of equal switch setup... but I had to go so far as to self-bondage myself to the bed when she was coming home just to get her to be on top. We were equals, and one-way Domination seemed like abuse to me at that time. Had I discovered D/s, and recognised that we desired different but compatible roles, that relationship probably wouldn't have stagnated.

This hypothetical society, where everyone is aware of their dominant or submissive nature, will never happen. Our society has the view that equality is the way forward; and we test our progress by measuring metrics like “percentage of woman with management positions in the top 500 companies”. We’ve actually reversed the traditional sexism in some cases; to appear as an “equal opportunity employer”, companies will favour women when it comes to hiring or promotion, even though
a man may be better qualified. I’ve seen it in my own work place. Our region was the only region in which there was no female store manager, so they promoted their only female assistant manager. The poor girl had a mental break down 4 weeks in. She was the wrong choice for that job, but was given favour (over more qualified choices) in order to appear like my company was treating the genders equally.

Not that I have a problem with women in management, their gender is irrelevant, and I think that both feminist and conservative sides of the argument have a problem seeing this simple observation. The genders aren’t equal, but both genders deserve equal opportunity to decide their role in society, and if 80% of women show preference for submission, let them! Don't make 30% of the female race unhappy by demanding gender equality where it might not be wanted.*

Despite 7 years of light kink with various girlfriends, I never ventured as far as D/s. And now that I have, both my slave and I are emotionally complete. I wish I’d discovered this years before. I have the most fantastic gift I could ever receive, a gift so fantastic the best simile I could imagine comes from theology, and slave's life's mission is fulfilled when she makes me happy. I wonder how many more people would be happier if they rejected the concept of gender equality, and embraced their role? Maybe the Goreans had it right."

---
*Maybe it's just me, but that 80/30 thing confused me a bit at first, this is how Master put it: "If 80% of women want to submit, and equality suggests that an equal 50% submit, therefore 30% (80-50) will be unhappy. The 50% who do submit, and are expected to, will be happy."

brb

2010-05-09T14:49:00.000+09:30

I have a couple of questions in my formspring box which I'd like to give decent answers to and have attempted to write posts about them a few times, but I just haven't had enough time or thinking space to do them justice.

I've been very busy lately due to uni assignments, extra hours at work and just general life stuff. I've barely had time to see Master which has been hard for both of us and so, rather than keep you all with baited breath, I'm just letting you know that I won't be posting for a little while longer.

When I come back, it will hopefully be with pictures too as my rash has now completely cleared up. I'll be back soon, promise.

What are your hard limits?

2010-05-05T11:10:00.000+09:30

.Anal play - anything to do with that area just strikes me as unhygienic and very little else; I don't find it at all erotic. So it's not a hard limit because of any kind of emotional trauma or anything, but it's just not sexy to me. I put it in much the same category as a rubbish bin; functional and practical, but not sexual and especially not something I want to focus and awful lot of time on. (Golden showers too... and all that other stuff)

.Cutting and abrasion - very dangerous but not enticing enough for me to want to take the risk. (For the same reason, I'd have to mention Catherinisation, branding, injections, asphyxiation and hot oils)

.Videos being put on the internet - it seems too socially risky because, once it's on the internet, it basically belongs to everybody and it could come back to haunt us one day.

.Crucifiction - it jars with me on a spiritual level to think of imitating the Sacrifice of Christ in a sexual scene. But, aside from that, it would also be very dangerous and difficult to set up. (I suppose you could put Catherinisation under this reason too, but that is a less familiar image for me.)

My emotional limits are a bit harder to define, I know that I wouldn't want Master to use my petname with another girl or to reject me in order to play with someone else. But so far Master hasn't really struck too many emotional nerves with me and He always takes good care of me. So, I think generally my limits are physical ones.

His little slut

2010-05-04T20:32:00.000+09:30

I've never really had a petname from a boyfriend before nor have I seen that as a bad thing. I don't like couples who are overly cutesy and talk to each other in baby-talk. But I love this particular one from Master. He said it to me one day and I think He was teasing me a bit, but I loved it.

I'll attempt to analyse exactly why

My: Well that's easy; it indicates that I am His, I belong to Him and He is proud enough of the fact that he wants to refer to me openly as His.

Little: It's the basis for a lot of petnames, it's affectionate and cute. To be little implies that you are perhaps young, innocent and in need of protecting. The fact that He says it me means that He sees these qualities in me and wants to protect me and care for me.

Slut: This is less innocent, more adult. From a male perspective, it's a huge compliment and, from a female perspective, it's a terrible insult. I love humiliation and degradation in our scenes and hearing Master call me a slut sends a little shiver up my spine.

I'm amazed at how much I love to hear Master say this. One thing I couldn't bear is to hear Him call another girl His little slut - which, given my complete lack of jealousy in almost all other areas, is saying a lot.

I love that He says it with love and affection, despite how apparently insulting it is. More than anything, I think I'm aware that it's what He wants me to be. I am His to control and to protect and I crave that from Him. It sums up my place so perfectly - maybe even more than 'slave' because it symbolises the mixture of love and control in our relationship.

A slut is someone who not only wants sex, but needs it, and for me to be His slut shows my devotion to Him and His ability to totally fulfill me. It means so much more than 'baby' - and I know which petname I'd rather have.

Can I take your order?

2010-05-03T23:05:00.000+09:30

Will you follow the orders of other Dommes? or just your Owners?

If I was in a situation where Master had handed some of His control over me to another Dom, then I would be obliged to follow their orders. I would be happy to do so as well, because I would know it would be what Master wanted. But I would not be obliged to follow them if they interfered with an order Master had given me, or crossed any boundaries that Master had told them they could not cross.

Essentially, my loyalty lies with Master. I obey Him first and He is the one who holds authority over me. The only time I am subject to the authority of another Dom or Domme is when He chooses and, even then, Master is my first priority.

Google me

2010-05-01T15:24:00.000+09:30

How do you express your D/s relationship on a vanilla myspace / facebook / bebo / friendstar / etc page?

The short answer is, we don't. We're listed as a couple but it doesn't say any more than that.

I don't think it would really be a good idea to say more than that (unless you're prepared to live with a shitload of unforeseen consequences). D/s is not looked upon favorably by our society and social networking sites are very public.

There are the things we think of soonest like friends and family wanting to interfere in your relationship because they think it's not safe or you're being abused. But there are plenty of other things too. One thing many companies are doing with new applicants is to search for them on Facebook and see if they seem like the sort of people they want representing their company. If they saw a profile that proudly admitted your were owned (or owned someone else) I doubt they'd look upon it well.

There's also the matter of criminal charges - what if someone decided that the activities Master and I engaged in were worthy of reporting to the police? The law is very hazy about such matters and it's hard to know exactly what is legal and what isn't. Master be arrested on rape and assault charges - all because someone just couldn't understand our lifestyle.

I could go on. The simple fact is that there are too many negative consequences (and comparatively few positive ones) for us to want to advertise to such a vanilla audience exactly what we get up to in our spare time.

However, we are on FetLife and our profiles there are far more honest about our dynamic. In a perfect world we could just say it and not be judged, but alas, this one is all we've got.

Just not fair

2010-04-29T22:10:00.000+09:30

I've been a little bit out of action the past few weeks. I'd been quite sick and had a misdiagnosis (and, therefore, had been taking the wrong medication until my results come back) and wasn't really up for any play, then had "lady's troubles" followed by a flare up of the infection again. I've been to the doctor so often I now know the phone number by heart. I'd still seen Master during this time, but we kept things pretty sedate (He was looking after me, more than anything.)

Now, I'm finally all better and so I sent Him an email last night telling Him how much better I felt and that I was really looking forward to getting back into things. He said we should catch up tomorrow and He had a few evil plans to use on me.

I was so, so excited. I'd been missing our play and wanted to do something really intense after such a long break. I got a nice outfit ready for the next day that I knew He'd just love and went to bed feeling very happy.

I woke up covered in rash. I mean covered. Panicked call to the doctor, it's probably a side effect from the medication I was on before and really all I can do is wait for it to die down.

I really didn't want Master to see me like that. I found it unpleasant enough just catching a glance of my arm and seeing it all red and yucky, I didn't want to subject Him to it too. So I sent Him a message explaining that, yet again, the universe had felt it necessary to intervene in my sex life. He was very understanding and wanted to come over to look after me again, but I said not to worry.

I had something to eat, watched some telly and felt rather sorry for myself. After about an hour of that I got fed up and decided that nothing was really stopping me except that I looked so unpresentable. I worked out that a long skirt, stockings and a long sleeve top would cover everything unsightly while still allowing access and a fairly good freedom of movement. So I sent Him another message and we arranged Date Attempt #2.

When He picked me up I was wearing two tops, a scarf, fingerless gloves, an ankle length skirt and knee high socks. Luckily it's been cold lately or I'd have sweltered under it all. But I was actually quite comfortable and, of course, had made sure the clothes all matched and stuff so I still looked pretty good, all things considered. (Also, thankfully, the rash hadn't affect my face)

We went back tto His house and ate our lunch together and when we were done He ordered me to stand up and strip. I looked at Him imploringly, but could tell He wasn't going to budge. Reluctantly, and with eyes tightly closed, I did as He said.

I've never been especially embarrassed about being naked, Master and I spend a lot of time that way when we're together. But I found this excruciating and it was all I could do not to collapse into a ball on the floor.

He had me stand with my legs apart and arms out so that He could see everything. The He made me look Him in the eye which, by this point, felt damn near impossible, but the idea He wanted to get across to me was that this is His body, not mine, to be ashamed of and if He wanted to see it in this state them He had every right to. I know He's right, but that didn't make it any easier; I had to continue our scene with a blindfold.

Our day was not a terrible one. But it wasn't quite as either of us had planned. We've also discovered that I got extremely out of practice in those few weeks (and may even have reverted to being a tighter fit). So our attempts at a really intense scene were continually thwarted and we probably ended up doing more aftercare than anything else that day.

We will get back up to our previous standard, but it's going to take a lot longer than we expected.

---
As you may have guessed, photos may not be forthcoming as soon as expected.

Lifestyle questions

2010-04-29T21:50:00.000+09:30

Does BDSM influence how you dress?

As mentioned, I tend to have fluctuating tastes in dress. So some days I might look more stereotypically like someone into BDSM, but mostly not.

Master influences how I dress though. I try to wear things that He'll like whenever we're going to see each other. I know that He loves skirts and dresses (especially with nothing underneath) so I generally try to wear one when I'm with Him. This gets a little tricky when the weather starts to get colder, as it's doing now, because I want to stack on the layers but I know He likes to see some skin. But we're finding a balance.

So my BDSM relationship influences how I dress, but that's all really. (Oh, and play parties - haven't been to one yet but I can't wait. I look forward to getting very dressed up for those.)

Do you and your Dom have a contract?

No, we've talked about them a fair bit, but neither of us got around to drafting one. Probably if we moved in together, that would provide a bit more incentive for us to have a more formal arrangement, with written rules, that we can turn to if we need it.

I'd like one. I think it would be quite fun working it all out together too (although, I suppose I can really only offer suggestions) and it would mean that all our rules are written down so I can't forget them.

The profile picture

2010-04-28T10:24:00.000+09:30

Did your master take that photo? and Does your master require you to keep that beautiful figure?

'Fessing up time; that picture isn't one of me. When I started the blog I didn't want to have a blank space in my profile and Master hadn't taken any pictures that I could use yet. So I looked around and found a really beautiful picture which at least looked at bit like me, and put that in as a temporary one.

We had always intended to put a picture of me in there but never quite got around to it and this one has really grown on me.

The second part, about my figure, is not rendered invalid by my first answer. I'm a size 8* (size 6, even, if the shop stocks it) and my figure isn't all that different from the model's.

Yes, Master wants me to keep it, although He hasn't set me any kind of diet/exercise regime. But I think I want to keep it more; if I went up a size I would be far more frustrated than Master would. (Not least because I'd have buy so many new clothes.)

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*That's an Australian size 8, I think in the US I'd be a 4.
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This question has got me all inspired now, I really should change that picture. But I'd love to take some suggestions from you all. I enabled anonymous comments a while ago, so you don't have to have a blogger account to post one. Or you can just put it in the 'Ask me' box.

I could even have a picture of me in the same pose as the model, in black and white. Just let me know what you think would be a good one.

Have you ever subdropped?

2010-04-27T16:29:00.000+09:30

That's a tricky one to answer. I think I'd have to say 'yes' but it's not especially common for me. (Just lucky that way, I guess)

I have had a pretty bad one, although it wasn't from coming out of a scene too quickly or anything. Master and I were just lying together, talking about this and that, and He started describing a scenario to me which was intended to make me excited but instead it just terrified me. I should have told Him to stop, but somehow couldn't. He continued, not realising what was going on in my head, and without noticing it I found myself in foetal position.

My mind sort of shut down and I couldn't seem to form words anymore. I could barely formulate thoughts - normally my mind is a constant buzzing cosmopolis of words, pictures, feelings, thoughts, memories and the like, but in the drop all I could see was a kind of blank screen.*

When He realised something was up, I couldn't tell Him what it was. He kept asking "What's wrong?" and "What do you need?" because I'd never really been in a state like this before and neither of us quite knew how to handle it.

The worst part was that I could feel myself coming out of it and then I'd remember just how worried I'd made Master and that sent me right back down. But eventually I came good, although it was still a while before I could talk about it or explain why it had such an effect.

---
* Which, interestingly, enough changed colour to match my state of mind. Not like those sunspot colours, this was there whether my eyes were open or closed. I wonder if it's related to how I am in subspace? In deep subspace I get a wonderful mix of bright swirls and colours morphing in and out of pictures. It's like a cross between a fireworks display and a Beatles film clip

Voting and bedroom dynamics

2010-04-26T18:59:00.000+09:30

Saw you're from South Australia too - Master told me who to vote for in the last election! Did your owner have any influence over how you voted?

That's an interesting thought, I'd never really thought of the power play extending to politics. Master and I have very similar political views anyway so it wasn't too much of an issue. We talked about who we'd be voting for in the lead up to the election and our preferences were almost identical. So even if He had told me who to vote for it wouldn't have made too much difference.

Do you sleep chained? Are you tied to the bed? Are you allowed to leave the bed during the night? Are you allowed in your owner’s bed at all?

To start with the last one; yes, I'm allowed in Master's bed. Although, I have to wait for permission to get in first. (That's a rule that's sort of come about gradually and now has just become standard.)

I don't ever sleep in bondage - maybe one day I will, but every time we've tried, no matter how exhausted I am, it just keeps me awake and restless. When I'm restless I tend to toss and turn all the time which means Master can't get to sleep either.

I'm allowed to leave the bed without permission. Master is a much heavier sleeper than me so I don't like to wake Him just so I can ask to go to the toilet or take my pill.

A few times He's told me to sleep on the floor. But Master loves cuddling (probably even more than I do) and each time He's eventually told me to get into bed because He wants to cuddle.

One time He told me to sleep on the floor as punishment because I had cum without permission. We were in a play session and He was finger fucking me, I'd been drifting into subspace and lost my concentration. I came before He told me I could, then I said "Thank you, Sir!" and suddenly realised what I'd done. I dropped very quickly and started apologising profusely, almost depserately.

When He told me I was sleeping on the floor that night I wasn't surprised, I felt that was right because I'd done such a bad thing and needed to be punished. I lay there feeling wretched, when He called me back to bed and I went somewhat reluctantly. But He had forgiven me and made me feel much better about it.

Looking back, I think it was really good that he made come back to bed with Him because I needed the aftercare - which I didn't realise at the time. But if He hadn't, I think I would have had such an awful subdrop. I'm lucky He looks after me as well as He does, even when I don't know I need looking after (or expect it) He just takes me in His arms and makes it all better.

A few thoughts on the clitoris

2010-04-26T10:36:00.000+09:30

I'm not sure exactly what my conclusion is with this, but I thought I'd just post a few facts that have been on my mind lately:

1. The clitoris is the only organ in the human body which is designed solely for sexual pleasure. It literally has no function other than to make you orgasm.

2. An operation which is gradually being outlawed in Saudi Arabia (and no doubt other countries too) is female circumcision. There are varying degrees of severity but the basic concept is to remove the clitoris. Sometimes they will also cut off the outer, and even inner, lips for more effect.
The operation causes huge damage to the area and, once having it, women are no longer able to have sex without excruciating pain, ripping and bleeding. The idea is that if they cannot enjoy sex, they won't be tempted by men who are not their husbands.

3. Hyenas are somewhat unusual in the animal kingdom because they live in matriarchal packs. It is also extremely difficult to tell the sex of a hyena, even for a trained keeper, because the females have such a large clitoris that it looks like a penis.

I think where I'm going with it (although it's a long way off a thesis) is with that old idea of sex as a form of social control. It may have nothing to with the oppression of women in Saudi Arabia* or fact that hyenas are ruled by an alpha female, but it's still food for thought.

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*I don't mean to say that because the women are circumcised is the reason they are oppressed, more that this operation is one of the many methods used to continue their oppression.

Why do we love being tied up?

2010-04-22T15:53:00.000+09:30

It must be a pretty sexy sight; a girl tied up and waiting for you to use however you like. Being the girl tied up is pretty sexy too and knowing he can do whatever he wants with you. But, for subs, there's a little more to it than that.

There is, oddly enough, a feeling of security that comes with being restrained. It's hard to say exactly why it's so comforting or quite what you feel safe from. But you definitely feel safe. (and warm and happy)

The best analogy to it, I think, is swaddling. Swaddling is traditional way of dressing babies - kept alive in the Middle East and, more recently, the latest fashion for new Western mums - it involves wrapping the baby in cloth and then tying it up with string. It might sound strange to us, but babies love it. They are kept warm and secure; for them it's like a permanent hug.

One thing I noticed about children in the Middle East (I visited there not long ago) is that they cry far less than children here. Possibly it's because the pace of the whole country is a lot slower than ours so they would likely get far more time to rest and be surrounded by less noise. But I think, for babies, the swaddling plays a part in there too. We have babies in prams and baskets lying on their backs - they probably feel quite exposed and vulnerable. Whereas swaddled babies are kept cozy and cuddled even when their mum is doing other things.

I think, wherever the basic human need for hugs comes from, is also where our love of swaddling and, for some of us, our love of bondage comes from. One of my favourite toys that Master built for me is the vac bed (I'll do a post on it later) and the reason I love it so much is because it feels like a giant hug.

(The pictures I've used are of modern, Western swaddled babies. If you'd like to see the more traditional version, have a look at this video about life in Yemen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKiTdLTfh8Q )

Some questions...

2010-04-21T10:06:00.000+09:30

Is your relationship open or closed? And would you describe yourself as being poly or not?

We're not poly and, so far, neither of us have hooked up with anyone else while we've been together. We are open in the sense that Master is free to be with other girls and to lend me out.

We've talked about it a lot. He would not lend me out to someone we didn't both trust and feel comfortable with and He will always tell me if there's another girl He's interested in - if anything He'd want me involved too.

Are you in Melbourne?

Nope. South Australia. (Sorry to disappoint)

Is there any part of your lives that you and Master haven't/don't share? What could you never Him?

(I think that last question is 'What could you never tell Him?')

There's nothing that I can think of, I'm happy to share just about anything with Master. He also reads me very well and can often tell where my mind is going so hiding things would pretty difficult.

If there was anything I wasn't going to tell Him, it would probably be because I wouldn't want to worry Him with it. But, if He asked me directly, I would have to answer and answer honestly.

As yet, we don't have an official rule that says I can't keep secrets from Him (although He'll probably make one after reading this) and there are things I haven't told Him yet - not because I don't want Him to know, but more because they haven't come up in conversation so far.

Why are you so happy?

2010-04-19T21:42:00.000+09:30

This isn't a question someone has sent in (I've been getting tonnes of those lately - thank you, guys!) this is something Master often asks me. He knows the answer already; I'm happy because He's happy, but it does both of us good to hear it said.

It sounds so simple, but it's true. I think most people in couples who say that are telling a slight fib, but it sounds romantic so they say it. I am being completely honest when I say "I'm happy because you are, Sir."

I had a wonderful moment today; I was kneeling in front of Master and He motioned for me to come forward and rest my head on His knee. It felt so perfect, as if nothing bad could touch us now because we had everything right. I was just filled with joy to be there, kneeling by His feet with my head in His lap as He stroked my hair. Nothing else really mattered.

What made the moment even better was that I knew He was happy. He was happy because I had made Him happy. I'm not sure exactly what I did today and yesterday to have made so especially pleased, but He said to me over and over "You make me very happy, slave." and each time He did, I'd glow with pride and happiness. To know that I have made Him happy makes me feel... complete.

More on the pillory

2010-04-19T18:34:00.001+09:30

How does the self locking Stocks/Pillory work? I own a set of Pillory for my pet (which i bought from XR) but the idea of having her lock herself in and wait for me is quite hot.

My understanding of anything mechanical is pretty limited, but this is what Master had to say when I passed the question on to Him:

"The idea is simple... have a length of elastic chord (shock cord) pull a lever flat against the stationary piece of the pillory, with the other side of the lever stretching out over the moving part. Drill a hole in the moving part, and put a knob (in my case bolt head) on the lever, so that when the knob and hole line up, it clicks in.

However if the lever is on the 'top' (face side) of the stocks, slave's hands can manipulate it, so I put it on the 'bottom', however my own experimentation showed that a single one could be manipulated with persistence with shoulders, so I put two locking mechanisms on either side of her neck facing down, so her hands have no chance of reaching them, and her shoulders can only touch one at a time.

The only weakness of the pillory is that I've been unable to install it properly into by room (being a rental and all), So it's mounted on a frame, which, can wobble and move slightly, weakening her experience, and theoretically, slave could damage the frame to escape."

Beliefs

2010-04-18T12:29:00.001+09:30

You met through a church group lol. Are you religious, is He? Does that have any effect on your behaviour? Do you both believe the same thing?

Yeah, we are. I didn't really want to talk about it on the blog too much because people tend to make assumptions. Meaning no offense with my next statement, but I find it a little ironic that the kink community, which is so often subject to discrimination and misunderstanding, is still full of people who are quick to make assumptions and discriminate against people for other reasons - such as religion.

Master and I are both Catholic. It affects our behaviour a little bit and affects our way of conversing. But, other than the fact I am totally unwilling to do any kind of scene involving crucifiction, it doesn't really affect our play. (Actually, I think I wouldn't really want to do crucifiction even if I wasn't Catholic, the idea has just never appealed to me.)

But, as you may have noticed, we aren't married. So it's not as if we follow the rules blindly without questioning them. We don't believe the earth is 6,000 years old* or that condoms are the work of the Devil. Both of us grew up Catholic and moved away from the Church before finding our own way back - and on the way we did a lot of research.

It's wonderful really, to not only have a religion in common, but also a religious journey and a need to question and discuss. (As well as some similar stories to share about growing up.)

---

*Actually, most Catholics don't believe that - most Christians worldwide don't believe that. The only people I've known who do think that are some intensely fundamental evangelists in the US. (Oh, and Steve Fielding. But we generally try to ignore him.) The official Church position on Creationism/Evolution is that we should look to science for the 'how' and religion for the 'why'.

The Master Builder

2010-04-17T23:37:00.000+09:30

Now, before I say anything, I'd just like a moment of appreciation for the title of this post. Obviously it refers to my Master, but here the word 'master' also implies excellence in a particular trade and care for the work and, because I'm a university student and we just can't help ourselves, it's also a reference to an Ibsen play. I love it when things work out so well.

But the point behind the post is to talk about the things Master has built for our play time. First off, I got this question on my formspring:

How did your Master weld on your collar? It sounds amazingly kinky, but very dangerous.

It was not nearly as glamorous as it sounds. We were both well aware of how dangerous it could be so, to minimise any chance of burning, I had a tea towel wrapped around my neck with the necklace/collar fitted over the top. I had to keep my chin raised up the whole time (which was frustrating because I desperately wanted to see what was going on) while fighting my instinct to move away from the hot thing.

The soldering iron doesn't need a big flame like a welder because it deals with small stuff. It's basically a stick that gets very, very hot - enough to melt the metal a bit and make it malleable. (Like a curling iron, I suppose) When the metal had cooled, we were able to take the tea towel away and I was collared.

Now that I think about it, to have said that was welded on might have sounded a bit extreme - I wasn't bent over a workbench in a shed or anything. I just thought 'welded' was a more commonly used word than soldered, so it seemed a better choice.

---

Master has also asked me to talk a little about the things He's made for me. There are a lot so I won't talk about them all in this post - I'll probably post about them later on though.

The Pillory
Master had told me He had a surprise for me - something starting with 's'. I was so nervous but also excited and I couldn't even think what it might be.

He told me to sit on the bed and gave me a gag and a hood to put on so I wouldn't be able to see what He was doing or ask questions. I tried to work out what was going on through the noises that He was making; various clicks, the sound of something heavy being lifted and His voice saying "Now, how am I going to mount this?" (which made me even more nervous!)

Once He got it all set up, He told me to move forward on the bed and kneel. Then He moved me head and arms to where He wanted them. I could feel the shape of the thing now and had an "Ah ha!" moment. But there was something I just had to say and so I tried speaking through the gag. After a few failed attempts at communication, He took off my hood and gag to see what was wrong.

me: spitting out gag This isn't 's'.
Him: What?
me: I'm assuming 's' stood for 'stocks'?
Him: Yeah...
me: giggling This is a pillory. Stocks are for your ankles.

We argued language for a few moments more then He put back my gag and hood and we continued with the scene. It was fantastic! (I got pretty severely punished for correcting his English. But that was fantastic too - I could barely sit the next day which was annoying because I had a full day of lectures at uni.)

I'm not sure why exactly, but I've always loved the idea of being in a pillory. I'd never told Him that, which made it even more amazing that He built one for me. I think that pillory might have taken me on one of my first trips to subspace (back when I didn't even know what it was) I know I had an amazing time, but there are also these big gaps in my memory between being put in and taken out.

I do remember being punished (instead of a riding crop, Master used a thin piece of metal which smarts like crazy) and being fucked into oblivion (the pillory puts you into such a beautifully vulnerable position). But I can't tell you too much more than that.

Because I liked it so much, Master has since re-built the pillory (with stocks to match) on an adjustable stand so we can have it at whatever height we like and added a self-locking mechanism so I can get in and be waiting for Him.

I like the new pillory with all its extra features, but I still have a soft spot for the original one. It was made of heavier wood, which I really liked because it made the sensation of being trapped just a little bit more intense. Also, because it was such a wonderful surprise I think I'm a little bit sentimental about it.

Control

2010-04-17T12:45:00.000+09:30

Is there any aspect of your life that you could never hand over to your master? (or would find very hard?)

That's a really good question, I'm not sure I can even fully answer it. There are things I'm not sure I could give up - people mainly. I don't think I could bear to lose contact with my family and friends. But Master and I have talked about this before and He has promised He wouldn't ever ask me to give up these people I love (in the non-romantic way, obviously).

It helps to know that what Master wants is for me to be happy. Owning an unhappy slave is no good for Him so I needn't worry about Him making a decision for me that would make me miserable.

But, as I've mentioned before, Master isn't really interested in micro-managing. He likes to have a veto power over everything instead. Any new, big decisions I make I will always run past Him first (Not unlike a vanilla couple, really) but as long as we're both aware of the power dynamic and we adhere to it, things aren't all that hard. We both want the same thing - to be happy, to make the other happy and to be together - so it's not like I'd be handing control over to someone who doesn't have my best interests at heart.

I think that whatever Master wants to control, I'm happy for Him to control. It's actually kind of calming to think of someone else having the final say in your life - it takes away a lot of the pressure in decision making.

On matters of appearance...

2010-04-15T22:47:00.000+09:30

Where did your Master purchase your collar? How often do you wear it? Do you wear it to sleep when your by yourself?

My collar is a plain necklace - Master wanted it to be as inconspicuous as possible so that I could wear it all the time without arousing any suspicion. It's welded on - so I wear it all the time! No one ever really says much about it, if they ask I tell them it's a present from my boyfriend and I don't like to take it off. (Which is basically true)

I also have a play collar that Master can attach a leash to (both came from a pet shop). But I don't tend to wear them in public. I like the pet collar (and it's appropriate since I'm not always on two legs when I wear it) although I'd kind of like a softer one so that I could wear it for longer without my neck getting irritated.

What tats, piercings, or other body modifications do you have? Do you want to get more?

None - unless you count pierced ears. It's not that I never wanted any, but I decided I'd be better off not getting them. I do a lot of theatre work (although lately I've been a bit lax... must get back into the swing of things) and for that I want my body to be, to use a real artsy term, a blank canvas. Tattoos are too individual and difficult to hide and I'd hate for them to get in the way of authentic costuming.

Also, even with theatre aside, I quite like to change characters in life. I've never been able to stick to a particular "look" - I feel colourful one day and punky the next.

But I love the idea of being painted. I wonder if it's possible to get a job as someone's living canvas? I'd just love to have a different artwork painted on me everyday. I'd be an ever-changing work of art.

Thanks again for questions, guys. I do love getting them.